IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 1.5

Some people argue that the government should invest more in promoting sports and recreational activities in schools, while others believe it is the responsibility of parents to encourage their children to participate in sports. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 can have
major
Correct article usage
a major
show examples
affect
Use the right word
effect
show examples
 on promoting
sports
Use synonyms
 in schools.without investment on
sports
Use synonyms
 appliance by government we can't have facilities for promoting
sports
Use synonyms
 for children and without encouraging parents،children won't have enough emotion to chase the
sports
Use synonyms
 so if one part of issue that I mentioned above we can't get good result.nowadays one of the most problem for children is lack of the exercise in their life and prefer to play cellphone and hang out in cyberspace so we as a government or parents have to prepare a suit environment for children to encourage them to do
sports
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that ideas are linked logically.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points.
task achievement
Clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion to strengthen your essay.
idea development
The recognition of both the government's and parents' roles is a good point.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: