IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic. “Fatherhood ought to emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.” To what extend do you agree or disagree?

2.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Nowadays, childhood is a matter of people
Linking Words
this
Punctuation problem
; this
show examples
 is why some of them
thinks
Correct subject-verb agreement
think
show examples
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
babies are Female
responsibilities
Punctuation problem
responsibilities,
show examples
while
Linking Words
 others believe
that
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
this is
show examples
 not
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 case.
Body paragraph 1
The following discussion will explore the opposing views surrounding the issue and provide a reasoned personal opinion.
Body paragraph 2
Firstly
Linking Words
, I strongly agree
that
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 the
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
 only the one who
responsible
Verb problem
is responsible
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
choice
Replace the word
choosing
show examples
 whatever she
want
Correct subject-verb agreement
wants
show examples
 and when she is ready to have a baby.
Body paragraph 3
The main reason, females usually
struggling
Wrong verb form
struggle
show examples
 with children and how to treat them to avoid
made
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 their childhood worse.
Body paragraph 4
Moreover
Linking Words
, mothers at the beginning of childhood may face several
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
difficulty
Fix the agreement mistake
difficulties
show examples
, specifically if it
was
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 the first time
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 of understanding
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the treatment situation and
less
Correct word choice
limited
show examples
 knowledge as well.
Body paragraph 5
In addition
Linking Words
, Fathers
Linking Words
also
Verb problem
are also
show examples
 important for their
kids
Check wording
kids'
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 and they can be a good example for them.
Body paragraph 6
In conclusion, after
analysis
Use the right word
analysing
show examples
 both sides for parents.
Conclusion
Personally
Add a comma
Personally,
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 are required to select their interest
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 who
going
Verb problem
is going
show examples
 to lead the bringing
children up
Correct word order
up children
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 remember
that
Linking Words
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
 not related to one of you
it
Punctuation problem
; it
show examples
is depending
Wrong verb form
depends
show examples
 on both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Your essay needs a clearer structure. Try to have clear paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion. Each paragraph should cover one main idea.
task achievement
Make sure your ideas are fully developed. Provide more reasons and examples to support your opinions.
general
Work on grammar and vocabulary to make your points clearer and easier to understand.
task achievement
You express a clear opinion on the topic, which is a good starting point for your essay. Your engagement with the topic is evident.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Co-parenting
  • Shared parenting
  • Gender roles
  • Child-rearing
  • Paternal involvement
  • Maternal responsibility
  • Balance of parental duties
  • Fatherhood
  • Motherhood
  • Socioeconomic factors
  • Paternity leave
  • Family dynamics
  • Equal opportunity
  • Caregiver
  • Parental leave policies
  • Gender stereotypes
  • Emotional well-being
  • Child development
  • Custodial rights
  • Familial support
What to do next:
Look at other essays: