IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The table below shows employment patterns for males and females in New Zealand in 1993 and 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant. (MINH BUI)

The table below shows employment patterns for males and females in New Zealand in 1993 and 2003. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make the comparisons where relevant. (MINH BUI)
The given table describes
Correct article usage
the work-forces
show examples
work-forces
Use the right word
workforce
show examples
 of
both
Use synonyms
 sexes in New Zealand from 1993 to 2003
Overall
Linking Words
, most of the
females
Use synonyms
 and the
males
Use synonyms
keen
Verb problem
are keen
show examples
 on
work
Replace the word
working
show examples
 in services and transport over the given period.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the least attractive job for women was agriculture and building
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 for men
was
Correct pronoun usage
it was
show examples
 agriculture. Looking at the table from a more detailed perspective,
firstly
Linking Words
, the rates of the
Use synonyms
females
Fix the agreement mistake
female
show examples
 workforce decreased slightly from 53% to 36%
whereas
Linking Words
 the figure for the
males
Use synonyms
 increased from 22% to 31%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the figure for the
females
Use synonyms
 who worked in agriculture decreased by 2%
while
Linking Words
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 for
males
Use synonyms
 was 30%.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, the number of
both
Use synonyms
 women and men in business employment increased
approximately
Change preposition
by approximately
show examples
 20%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
both
Use synonyms
 the
females
Use synonyms
 and
males
Use synonyms
 in manufacturing
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 decreased from 25% and 16% to 12% and 17% respectively.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, in 1993, no one was
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 worked in
building
Correct article usage
the building
show examples
 sector
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 the number rose by 6% over a decade
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the rate of
males
Use synonyms
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 in
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 sector dropped by 2%.
Last
Linking Words
 but not least, the percentage of
both
Use synonyms
 sexes participating in community services increased approximately 5%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words both, females, males with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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