IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. (Hoàng Trung)

In
this
Linking Words
 digital era ,
due to
Linking Words
 the advancement of technology
distinctive
Punctuation problem
, distinctive
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 companies have the personal data of all the individuals. I believe
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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this
Linking Words
 notion brings tremendous
of
Change preposition
apply
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cons as compared to the pros because
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
privacy is an imperative part
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 no one has
a
Correct article usage
the
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 right to store
people
Use synonyms
 's personal
information
Use synonyms
. To commence with , all the eminent companies can misuse the data to earn lucrative profits .
For instance
Linking Words
, as per the BBC
News
Add a comma
News,
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 some
organizations
Use the right word
organisations
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 sell
people
Use synonyms
's private
information
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as their contact number and e-mail the advertisement agency and earn money. These agents keep calling the individuals in order to
have
Verb problem
offer
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 their services and products
,
Punctuation problem
;
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therefore
Linking Words
, they create a nuisance for them.
Moreover
Linking Words
, all the electronic gadgets like mobile phones , laptops and even smart watches have
a
Correct article usage
the
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 ability to listen and
click
Verb problem
take
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 pictures
Linking Words
thus
Punctuation problem
; thus
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 ,
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
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 like Apple and Google have all the knowledge
what
Change preposition
of what
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 a person is doing in their daily life.
This
Linking Words
 type of news
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 scary and arduous to digest because
people
Use synonyms
 cannot spend their life peacefully because they are being watched
and
Correct word choice
apply
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while
Linking Words
 sitting
home
Change preposition
at home
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 .
For example
Linking Words
, the Facebook company was in
convoluted
Correct article usage
a convoluted
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 situation because what
people
Use synonyms
 posted on their social media
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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was leaked
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
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 a
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 they have gone through tough times.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 , the higher authorities have
tie
Wrong verb form
tied
show examples
 up with some agencies to deep dive
in
Change preposition
into
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 the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 who have a criminal history.
This
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 will assist them to protect the world from unwanted
criminals
Fix the agreement mistake
criminal
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 attacks and negativity.
For instance
Linking Words
, they have
FBI
Correct article usage
the FBI
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 and
CIA
Correct article usage
the CIA
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 to
abolish
Verb problem
prevent
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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terrorist attacks
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 have access to tap the mobile phones of the culprits.
As a result
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, it helps them to maintain peace globally
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is a good
deeds
Fix the agreement mistake
deed
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 for humanity.
To conclude
Linking Words
, some points are valid to make the country safe
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
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,
tenper
Correct your spelling
tempering
 the
personsl
Correct your spelling
personal
information
Use synonyms
 is not valid and
breach
Correct subject-verb agreement
breaches
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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privacy is a crime . The government should take strict
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
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 against the companies which are responsible for selling the
information
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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innocent
people
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly states your opinion on the topic. Use simpler sentences to express your ideas more clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to help guide the reader. This makes your points easier to follow.
task achievement
Try to support your ideas with clearer and more specific examples. This will help strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Check your grammar and spelling to make your writing clearer. This will help the reader understand your points better.
content
You raised important points about privacy and security, which are relevant to the topic.
content
You included an example about Facebook, which shows you understand real-world implications of the issue.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • information
  • personal
  • companies
  • internet
  • services
  • privacy
  • security
  • trust
  • users
  • convenience
  • access
  • individuals
  • online
  • risk
  • history
  • experiences
  • preferences
  • advertisements
  • opportunities
  • identity
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