IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell food or drinks that are scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. Do you agree or disagree?

Industrialised food production and its unhealthy effects tend to be one of the most controversial topics in today's scientific societies. Some individuals assume that their bad effect can be cut by stopping presenting them in the
market
Use synonyms
. I believe cutting accessibility to these products in harmony with released scientific findings in terms of healthy foods has
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 role in falling their popularity and consuming them as meals or snacks. On the one hand,
while
Linking Words
 there are numerous published scientific articles in regard to unhealthy foods ,
for
Linking Words
instance
Punctuation problem
instance,
show examples
 waffles or chocolate cakes with a high level of added sugar, their distribution in the
market
Use synonyms
 is progressing.
This
Linking Words
 unharmonised status between
market
Use synonyms
 and health investigator organisations leads nations towards
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
occasion
Check wording
point
show examples
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 which people underestimate the harmfulness of
such
Linking Words
 industrialised foods and continue to consume them. Restricting unhealthy material in the
market
Use synonyms
 can result in limiting accessibility for purchasing
them
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
, known
as
Use the right word
is
show examples
 a crucial step towards keeping individuals safe.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, omitting artificial food products from
market
Use synonyms
 shelves can lead to replacing them with nutrients which are organic and beneficial for health.
For example
Linking Words
, when a dark chocolate cake in Tehran's hyper markets faded based on a no-sugar challenge, surprisingly, it was replaced with an oat flour cake , which was an eye-catching transformation for the supply chain. I strongly believe the
market
Use synonyms
 should be adapted with scientific findings in regard to healthy trends and avoid distributing harmful nutrients , and
this
Linking Words
 movement can start with replacing damaging products slowly with nourishing nutrients.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic well, but make sure to clearly state your opinion right at the beginning.
coherence cohesion
Try to connect your ideas more clearly. Use linking words like 'firstly', 'secondly', and 'finally' to guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. It will help the reader understand your message better.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view by acknowledging both sides of the argument.
task achievement
Your specific example about the oat flour cake was a good touch, showing a real-life change.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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