IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.

The bar chart below describes some changes about the percentage of people were born in Australia and who were born outside Australia living in urban, rural and town between 1995 and 2010.
The bar chart illustrates that residents were born inside or outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 and where they lived, the city, rural or town in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
1995 and 2010 year, Both
peopl
Correct your spelling
people
 born in
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 not in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Australia
Use synonyms
 tended to live in the city in 1995 and 2010.
However
Linking Words
,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the same time, the
last
Linking Words
 choice of living for those
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 towns. In 1995,
ther
Correct your spelling
there
 were around 50% of
people
Use synonyms
 born in
Australia
Use synonyms
prferd
Correct your spelling
preferred
 to live in
urbun
Correct your spelling
urban
,
Check wording
areas, while
show examples
while
Linking Words
 the proportion of residents was not born in the nation was far higher than
former
Correct article usage
the former
show examples
, with
excat;y
Correct your spelling
exactly
 80%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, in the 2010 bar
chart
Punctuation problem
chart,
show examples
 the percentage of
local
Replace the word
locally
show examples
 born
residants
Correct your spelling
residents
were
Verb problem
apply
show examples
saw a
slightly
Replace the word
slight
show examples
 increase, with just over 60%,
whearas
Correct your spelling
whereas
 the
people
Use synonyms
 born outside
Australia
Use synonyms
 remained
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
steable
Correct your spelling
stable
. Compare the
people
Use synonyms
lived
Correct pronoun usage
who lived
show examples
 in rural areas in
different two
Correct word order
two different
show examples
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
,
ther
Correct your spelling
there
 were
sifnificant
Correct your spelling
significant
change
Fix the agreement mistake
changes
show examples
. In both years, no matter where
people
Use synonyms
 were born, living in
this
Linking Words
 area was the second choice. The proportion of
local
Replace the word
locally
show examples
 born
people
Use synonyms
 was around 30%;
however
Linking Words
, in 2010,
this
Linking Words
 gradually dropped to below 20%. To the outside born
people
Use synonyms
 choosing
living
Wrong verb form
to live
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 area was
precise
Replace the word
precisely
show examples
 40%,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of the same term sharply
bottom
Replace the word
bottomed
show examples
 out below
approximaatly
Correct your spelling
approximately
 10%.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
▼
Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words australia, people with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographics
  • urbanization
  • migration patterns
  • population distribution
  • percentage points
  • growth rate
  • decline
  • trend analysis
  • socioeconomic factors
  • infrastructure development
  • rural exodus
  • census data
  • lifestyle changes
  • residential patterns
  • immigration policies
  • emigration
  • natural increase
  • birth rate
  • settlement patterns
  • push and pull factors
What to do next:
Look at other essays: