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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The first table below shows changes in the total population of New York City from 1800 to 2000. The second and third tables show changes in the population of the five districts of the city (Manhattan, Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens, Staten Island) over the same period. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
This
Linking Words
 table illustrates changes in the total
population
Use synonyms
 of New York
city
Fix capitalization
City
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 between 1800 and 2000. And the second and third tables show changes in the
population
Use synonyms
 of the five districts of the city over the same period. In 1800, there was the
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
population
show examples
 of 79,216
in
Change preposition
apply
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New York
City’s
Check wording
City was 79,216
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population
Use synonyms
. As time went on, the
Use synonyms
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 city had highly increased
.
Rephrase
significantly.
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 In 2000, the people who lived in New York were became the
number
Use synonyms
 of 8,009,185. Meanwhile, the
Use synonyms
number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 of Manhattan went up and down. In 1800, its
population
Use synonyms
began
Verb problem
was
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 60,515.
Then
Linking Words
, in 1900, it had peaked at 1,850,093.
Finally
Linking Words
, in 2000, it reached the
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
population number
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 of
population
Use synonyms
 which
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
dropped by 1,538,096. It tends to percentage of
total
Correct article usage
the total
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population
Use synonyms
 identically.
Linking Words
Likewise
Add a comma
Likewise,
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 Other districts
such
Linking Words
 as Brooklyn, Bronx, Queens,
Staten
Correct word choice
and Staten
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 Island were similar to Manhattan. These countries
also
Linking Words
 had increased and decreased.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the eighth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, number with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the eighth paragraph.
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