IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

•An increasing trend nowadays is for young adults to play computer games. some people say this is negative development . Discuss and give your opinion.

Technology plays a crucial role in
people
Use synonyms
's lives. Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that the excessive use of computers for playing
games
Use synonyms
 has
detrimental
Correct article usage
a detrimental
show examples
impact
Use synonyms
 on the
health
Use synonyms
 and well-being of youngsters. I strongly agree with the provided notion as increased screen time has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
impact
Use synonyms
 on the physical and mental
health
Use synonyms
 of the youth.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the perspective before explaining why I believe that
this
Linking Words
 trend is a negative development. There are multifaceted drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 seeking entertainment from computers and laptops.
Firstly
Linking Words
, engaging in indoor
games
Use synonyms
 deteriorates the physical
health
Use synonyms
 of teenagers.
For instance
Linking Words
, children who play
games
Use synonyms
 on computers avoid engagement in outdoor
games
Use synonyms
 that involve physical
workout
Check wording
activity
show examples
.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 reduces their physical
actvities
Correct your spelling
activities
 and contributes to several
health
Use synonyms
 diseases
such
Linking Words
 as high
cholestrol
Correct your spelling
cholesterol
 level and cardiovascular issues
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
impacts
Correct subject-verb agreement
impact
show examples
 them in the
long-run
Use the right word
long run
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, children should be encouraged to engage in
games
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as running, cricket , football and hockey
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
show examples
 body movements and would help them to cope with various
health
Use synonyms
 problems
such
Linking Words
 as obesity.
Additionally
Linking Words
, another point to consider is the
impact
Use synonyms
 of excessive screen time on the mental
health
Use synonyms
 of youngsters.
For example
Linking Words
, using playstations and video
games
Use synonyms
 for entertainment attracts adults to colourful visuals
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 are unrealistic.
This
Linking Words
 leads to higher expectations and limits their ability to engage in activities that
fosters
Correct subject-verb agreement
foster
show examples
 critical thinking.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the trend of playing solely reduces social interactions and
formation
Correct article usage
the formation
show examples
 of relationships between children. As most of the computer
games
Use synonyms
involves
Correct subject-verb agreement
involve
show examples
 one player
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 limits the players to form social groups.
Thus
Linking Words
, if young
people
Use synonyms
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
play
games
Use synonyms
 in parks and playgrounds,
this
Linking Words
 will help in developing social and cognitive skills.
To conclude
Linking Words
, though technology has offered convenience and creativity in the
games
Use synonyms
 but I believe that overdependence on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technical
games
Use synonyms
 reduces social interaction, critical thinking skills and physical workout
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 have
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
impact
Use synonyms
 on the lives of young
people
Use synonyms
 in the long run.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more reasons and examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph contains a clear main idea. This will help the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use more simple linking words like 'first', 'next', and 'finally' to connect your ideas.
task achievement
The essay clearly states a personal opinion, which is important for the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly states the main idea of the essay and what will be discussed.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: