IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government have the duty to ensure its citizens to have a healthy diet, while others argue it is the responsibility of each individual. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In
this
Linking Words
modernized
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modernised
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 era, one part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society claims that the government has the mission to make sure residents have a healthy diet, but the other says that having a healthy meal is the responsibility of each person.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,it can not be denied that the responsibility of the government in supplying citizens with
food
Use synonyms
 is very important because only healthy
people
Use synonyms
 can help the nation to develop. First ,the government can interfere and monitor the source of
food
Use synonyms
,drinks and medicines so that they can ensure that the
food
Use synonyms
 will be well
qualified
Replace the word
quality
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Linking Words
Punctuation problem
; therefore
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therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
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 the administration can prevent
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
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people
Use synonyms
 from negative impacts caused by
the
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apply
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low quality
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low-quality
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 products.
For example
Linking Words
, recently,
people
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 have cooperated with the police to eliminate many corporations which create fake milk .
Linking Words
Moreover
Add a comma
Moreover,
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 the authority can
also
Linking Words
 help to provide nutritious meals for schools so that children can grow up healthily.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, each person's awareness is the most important factor in keeping a healthy
diet
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diet,
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 as the management can not affect the way
people
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 consume
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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. Each person needs to have
the
Correct article usage
apply
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knowledge about the
nutrition
Replace the word
nutritional
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problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 in every meal so that they can manage to consume enough nutrition.
For instance
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 have a disease
such
Linking Words
 as
diabetes
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diabetes,
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 they need to know how to adjust their meals to suit their
need
Fix the agreement mistake
needs
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 in order to prevent the disease from getting worse. In conclusion, having healthy
food
Use synonyms
 is the responsibility of the leadership
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 keeping a healthy diet depends more on the awareness of each citizen
so
Punctuation problem
, so
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that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
we should raise our knowledge about the nutrition field.

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coherence and cohesion
Work on creating clearer topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader. This helps with the overall structure of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea supported by enough details and examples.
task achievement
Try to expand your ideas a bit more, providing more specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas more clearly and smoothly throughout the essay.
task achievement
You introduced both sides of the argument clearly, which is a good approach for this type of essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes the main points discussed in the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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