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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in town A and B in two years 1960 and 2010
The given chart provides data about individuals working in 3 various spheres in 2 cities
A
Punctuation problem
, A
show examples
and
B
Use synonyms
between
Punctuation problem
, between
show examples
 1960 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 both cities`
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
show examples
 were interested in
sales
Use synonyms
, but
town
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
b
Fix capitalization
B
show examples
 had
disparity
Correct article usage
a disparity
show examples
 in
favor
Use the right word
favour
show examples
 of
sales
Use synonyms
 . In 2010 ,
popularity
Correct article usage
the popularity
show examples
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 sector accounted for more than half in
town
Use synonyms
 A, but
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 occupation in
sales
Use synonyms
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 declined and
stayed
Verb problem
remained
show examples
 dominant.
Initially
Linking Words
, people`s preference was more on
sales
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the period.
Town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 showed
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 percentage with 70% , but
Use synonyms
town
Fix capitalization
Town
show examples
 A had
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 workers in
this
Linking Words
 sphere(41%).
However
Linking Words
 , manufacturing displayed
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 percentage in
town
Use synonyms
 A with 29%, compared to
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 with 10%.
Town
Use synonyms
 A differed in
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 sector by 10% (
Town
Use synonyms
a-29
Fix capitalization
A-29
show examples
Use synonyms
Town
Punctuation problem
, Town
show examples
B
Use synonyms
-10%).
According to
Linking Words
 the given data, in the next 5 decades
manufacturing
Punctuation problem
, manufacturing
show examples
own
Wrong verb form
will hold
show examples
 the first place with 64%,
rose
Wrong verb form
rising
show examples
 by approximately 35 per
cent
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
town
Use synonyms
 A.
However
Linking Words
,
sales
Use synonyms
 dropped by 20 per
cent
Use synonyms
, and
Use synonyms
sales
Correct article usage
the sales
show examples
 sphere illustrated the least proportion in 2010(16%).
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 demonstrated
less per
Replace the word
a lower percentage
show examples
cent
Use synonyms
 compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
town
Use synonyms
 A
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 25% in
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing
show examples
 sphere .
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 in
town
Use synonyms
 A were showing
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 employees,
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 differed by 30 per
cent
Use synonyms
.Eventually,
service
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
 category was in the lowest position, but
town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 had
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
 per
cent
Use synonyms
,
altered
Verb problem
increased
show examples
 by 6%(16%-a , 22%-
b
Use synonyms
).

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words b, sales, town, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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