IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many parents are unhappy because of the increasing amount of violence in their children by computer games, TV programs, and other leisure activities. How harmful are these for children? Discuss possible solutions.

The high
health
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standards
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 in communities
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 been considered as an indicator of people’s
well being
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well-being
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 in their societies.
However
Linking Words
, there is a concern
of
Change preposition
about
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 having lower
standards
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 in the coming years
due to
Linking Words
 the increasing
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number of
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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population around the world. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because I believe that it would be challenging for governments to guarantee
a
Correct article usage
apply
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proper
health
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 care for all
citizens
Punctuation problem
citizens,
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 as
this
Linking Words
 requires a huge budget and
large
Correct article usage
a large
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number
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 of
doctors
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. One key reason for expecting a future shortage in the services provided by
medical
Correct article usage
the medical
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 sector is funding. When the
patients’
Check wording
apply
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number
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increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
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, an extra financial support will be needed to provide the resources for
health
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 institutions that
serves
Correct subject-verb agreement
serve
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 ill people.
For example
Linking Words
, in Jordan, the annual budget in
infant’s
Correct article usage
the infant’s
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 department in public hospitals has been 1 million for the
last
Linking Words
 three years
,
Punctuation problem
;
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however
Linking Words
, there is
n
Correct your spelling
no
 expectation of doubling
this
Linking Words
 in
coming
Correct article usage
the coming
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 few years
as a result
Linking Words
 of the population growth forecasted.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it would be challenging for governments to maintain the same quality of
health
Use synonyms
 care in the long term.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the growing
number
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 of citizens indicates that more and more patients may need medical treatment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, more
doctors
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 will be needed to sustain a
high quality
Use the right word
high-quality
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of
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apply
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health
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 service for them.
For instance
Linking Words
, in some countries like India, there
re
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are
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less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
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doctors
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 in hospitals than supposed to be,
as a result
Linking Words
, the medication given is less than the expectation
due to
Linking Words
 the lack of professionals.
This
Linking Words
 leads to
confirm
Wrong verb form
confirming
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 the idea that suggests a decrease in the
health
Use synonyms
standards
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 in the coming decade. In conclusion, I believe maintaining the average
health
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standards
Use synonyms
 in future can be challenging
due to
Linking Words
 the increasing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
population, which requires the governments to provide more funds and
doctors
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Your introduction presents the topic well, but you could make your position clearer. Try to restate your opinion more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure your paragraphs connect smoothly. Use linking words to help your reader follow your ideas.
task achievement
Add more details or examples to fully support your points. This will help make your argument stronger.
task achievement
You have a clear opinion on the topic, which is a good start for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs generally focus on one main idea, which helps with understanding your points.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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