IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Topic: employers sometimes ask people applying for personal information such as theirs hobbies and interests and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful. Others disagree. Discuss both this views and give your own opinion.

While
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 applying for a job, companies ask for personal
deatils
Correct your spelling
details
 like activities of interest and marital status, etc. Some
people
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 think it is an important part of
application
Correct article usage
the application
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 process,
whereas
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 others argue that asking for
this
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information
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 is irrelevant.
This
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 essay intends to elaborate on both aspects prior to reaching my opinion
,
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apply
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 in the upcoming paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, owing to several reasons
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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emphasise the need
of collecting
Change preposition
to collect
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 personal
information
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 before hiring an individual is necessary.
Firstly
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, to know the nature and attitude of
Use synonyms
person
Correct article usage
a person
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, one needs to know what he or she
like
Correct subject-verb agreement
likes
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 or
dislike
Correct subject-verb agreement
dislikes
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.
For instance
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, if a human being
like
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likes
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 spending time with children, it shows that
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person
Correct article usage
the person
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have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 patience and
ability
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the ability
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 to calm down in irritating situations.
Secondly
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, the knowledge
regading
Correct your spelling
regarding
 the marital status of
people
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 is
also
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 vital because family
oriented
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family-oriented
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person
Use synonyms
 will have more sense of responsibility than a single
person
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.
These both
Correct determiner usage
Both
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 situations have their own benefits. Based on the job description, if the firm needs
responsible
Correct article usage
a responsible
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Use synonyms
person
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person,
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then
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will
Correct pronoun usage
they will
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 likely select a married man
,
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;
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however
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, if they require the candidate to work long
hours
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hours,
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then
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 most probably they will go with the
person
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 who is single. On the flip side, individuals who believe that asking for
this
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information
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 is unnecessary argue that sharing intimate knowledge about personal life can be risky. There have been a lot of fraud cases recently. To demonstrate,
people
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 enter their personal details on job search websites
while
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 applying for a position, and their
information
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like
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, like
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 phone number and email address,
etc.
Punctuation problem
etc.,
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get
Correct subject-verb agreement
gets
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 leaked to other illegal sites.
Additionally
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, there should not be
a
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apply
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discrimnation
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discrimination
 based on the relationship status of
people
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; everyone deserves a fair chance.
To conclude
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, it can be inferred from the above confabulation that
while
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 there is a necessity to ask the personal
information
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 from candidates,
but
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apply
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it should be done after
interview
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the interview
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 if the company is interested in hiring the individual. There should be stringent rules about
the
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apply
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confidentiality, and these details should not be shared with
another
Fix the agreement mistake
other
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 employees.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your opinion in the introduction and conclusion. This helps the reader understand your overall stance.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving the flow of your ideas. Use linking words and phrases to connect your thoughts better.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This will strengthen your points and show deeper understanding.
content
The essay presents both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced discussion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction outlines what the essay will cover, setting a clear structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • employer
  • hiring process
  • company culture
  • team dynamics
  • candidate
  • personality traits
  • values
  • marital status
  • discrimination
  • bias
  • privacy
  • professional skills
  • abilities
  • subjective
  • experience
  • role
  • secondary consideration
What to do next:
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