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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The chart shows the percentage of male and female teachers in six different types of educational settings in the UK in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart shows the percentage of male and female teachers in six different types of educational settings in the UK in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The chart gives information about the ratio of different
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
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teachers
Check wording
apply
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from pre-school
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 university in the UK in
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2010 .
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 in pre-school settings experienced a significant increase ,
while
Linking Words
 in university they showed a
noticable
Correct your spelling
noticeable
 decline
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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men
Use synonyms
 were
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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in ratio
according to
Linking Words
 the graph . In
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
, pre-school recorded the highest
almost
Punctuation problem
, almost
show examples
 99% ,
whereas
Linking Words
 in
men
Use synonyms
 the percentage was around 1%.
In contrast
Linking Words
 , university settings dramatically increased in
men
Use synonyms
 by almost 70%;
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 were around 30% .
Also
Linking Words
 , in primary school
Use synonyms
men
Punctuation problem
, men
show examples
 showed a dramatic decrease compared to
women
Use synonyms
when
Punctuation problem
, when
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 were around 1 % and the other sex was 85%, which is a huge difference.
Similarly
Linking Words
, in secondary
school
Add a comma
school,
show examples
 the difference between the two genders is almost 5% .
In addition
Linking Words
, in private training institutions, the difference is less than
nearly
Rephrase
apply
show examples
3%,
whereas
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 were more
than
Check wording
men than
show examples
women
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatically" was used 2 times.
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