IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Multicultural societies where people of different ethnic groups live together, can bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, because of
globalization
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globalisation
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, many countries exist multicultural xxx, which
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
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 different ethnic groups to live together. I strongly agree that benefits outweigh drawbacks. On the one hand, multicultural
societies
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 can enrich
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people
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’s lives
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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while
Linking Words
 promoting economic development. Multicultural
societies
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 break through the limitation of a single culture, so that
people
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 can have more choices to experience different customs from daily diets to dressing to broaden their
horizon
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horizons
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. The differences among
cultures
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 push the
countries
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country's
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 economic
develop
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development
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. It can stimulate
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people
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’s creativity and attract
people
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 to travel around the xx, which will boost the
the
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apply
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development of tourism
Meeting
Punctuation problem
. Meeting
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 individual needs and
stimulate
Wrong verb form
stimulating
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 local source improvement.
In addition
Linking Words
, experiencing different
cultures
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 can help improve local employment, which may bring more profits to local governments.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, multicultural
societies
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 can strengthen
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people
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’s cultural identities and promote cultural communication and social cohesion.
Multicultures
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Multiculturalism
 can help residents have
better
Correct article usage
a better
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 understanding and show their respect for different
cultures
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. Living in a multicultural society can lead
people
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 to compare different
cultures
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 and
through
Punctuation problem
, through
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this
Linking Words
 process, xxx can improve
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people
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’s sense of belonging to their own
cultures
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. Only in
this
Linking Words
 way can we narrow the gap among different
cultures
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 and enhance cultural communication. Different ethnic groups can help
people
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 from different backgrounds to
link
Verb problem
connect
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 with others
tightly
Rephrase
more closely
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. By containing the
difference
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differences
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 to form a harmonious social environment . Bearing different elements is an efficient way to build a harmonious society.
However
Linking Words
, it may cause exclusion
due to
Linking Words
 the different insights between
cultures
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.
According to
Linking Words
 the discussion above, I strongly agree that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. The multicultural
societies
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 indeed would cause exclusion among different
cultures
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, but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 would enrich
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people
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’s lives and promote economic development at the same time.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
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 the multicultural
societies
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 can strengthen
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people
Check wording
people's
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 cultural identity, promote cultural communication and social cohesion.

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task achievement
Try to clearly define what you mean by "multicultural societies" in your introduction.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas better, such as 'Firstly', 'Additionally', and 'On the other hand'.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, for instance, mention a country that has successfully embraced multiculturalism.
task achievement
Your introduction is clear and states your opinion well.
coherence and cohesion
You provide good ideas about the advantages of multicultural societies.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural exchange
  • cultural fabric
  • traditions and perspectives
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • tolerance and understanding
  • unity in diversity
  • cultural clashes
  • language barriers
  • multilingualism
  • integration
  • translation services
  • prejudice
  • diversity
What to do next:
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