IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Leisure is a growing industry, but people no longer entertain themselves as much as they used to because the use of modern technology has made them less creative. Do you agree or disagree?

Over the past few decades, with technology making
out
Use the right word
our
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 lives easier, leisure
time
Use synonyms
 has become a growing industry.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
technology
Add a comma
technology,
show examples
 they no longer entertain themself as much as they lack the creativity to do so. I disagree with
this
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 statement, as the
entertainement
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 industry is growing and there are still new activities invented. On the
on
Use the right word
one
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 hand, staying at
home
Use synonyms
 became a popular free
time
Use synonyms
 activity. With the ability to watch movies, play games or browse
on
Change preposition
apply
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the internet without having to go out, it is a nice way for people to spend their free
time
Use synonyms
. They can still check on their friends and stay connected, which can
minimize
Use the right word
minimise
show examples
 the feeling of
lonliness
Correct your spelling
loneliness
.
In addition
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, it is not only possible to order food to your
home
Use synonyms
, but everything else one needs to have a comfortable life as well.
Therefore
Linking Words
, many lack the motivation to go out and do more entertaining
things
Use synonyms
 in their leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
entertainement
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 industry is steadily growing, which indicates that there is still a high demand for all sorts of
things
Use synonyms
. Many entertainment parks build new attractions each year
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 concerts and festivals are bigger than ever.
Moreover
Linking Words
, new activities are added constantly.
For example
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, there are
champion ships
Use the right word
championships
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 in
horseriding
Use the right word
horse riding
show examples
,
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however
Punctuation problem
however,
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 not with a horse but a broom between the
participants
Check wording
participants'
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 legs.
This
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 goes to show, people follow their creative side to invent new
things
Use synonyms
 they can have fun with. To
summarize
Use the right word
summarise
show examples
, people still entertain themself and want to be entertained by different activities. In conclusion,
while
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 it is easy to stay at
home
Use synonyms
 and watch movies, humans are eager to experience many different
things
Use synonyms
out
Change preposition
outside
show examples
 of
home
Use synonyms
 and are willing to explore and invent new
operations
Check wording
experiences
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. I firmly believe, there
had
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 been no change in creativity
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
nevertheless
Linking Words
, individuals have to search outside the internet to find it.

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task achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction. This will help guide the reader.
coherence cohesion
Use clear transitions between ideas to improve flow. For example, use words like 'firstly', 'additionally', and 'finally'.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea, and stick to it without mixing up different points.
task achievement
You provided examples to support your arguments, which is great!
coherence cohesion
Your vocabulary usage is good, making your ideas understandable.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • passive consumption
  • instant gratification
  • creative content creation
  • problem-solving skills
  • streaming services
  • social media platforms
  • online tutorials
  • enhancing creativity
  • digital age
  • technological advancements
  • cognitive skills
  • innovation
  • interactive platforms
  • virtual reality
What to do next:
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