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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graphs below show the percentage of men and women aged 60-64 who were employed in four countries in 1970 and 2000. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar charts illustrate information concerning the proportion of people who were employees
during
Change preposition
between
show examples
Correct article usage
the aged
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aged
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
60
Change preposition
of 60
show examples
 to 64 in Belgium,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, Japan and Indonesia in 1970 and 2000. The data can be
categorized
Use the right word
categorised
show examples
 into
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 recorded in the United States in 1970.
In contrast
Linking Words
, Belgium
was
Verb problem
had
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 the lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of employees in 2000. In 1970,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
USA
Use synonyms
 and Indonesia
were
Verb problem
had
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 nearly closed
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
proportion
Fix the agreement mistake
proportions
show examples
 of
men
Use synonyms
, at 86 and 84, respectively.
Similarly
Linking Words
, the
USA
Use synonyms
was
Verb problem
had
show examples
 the highest
percentage
Use synonyms
 of
women
Use synonyms
. It was
clearly
Replace the word
clear
show examples
 that Japan had the lowest employee rate for both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
USA
Use synonyms
 decreased from 86% to 78% in 2000 for
men
Use synonyms
 ,but the United States still
got
Verb problem
had
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 the highest
as well as
Linking Words
 in 1970.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
USA
Use synonyms
, Japan
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 Indonesia had
closely
Replace the word
close
show examples
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
rate
Check wording
apply
show examples
,which were 45%, 47% and 50%, respectively.
However
Linking Words
, Belgium significantly
deceased
Use the right word
decreased
show examples
 to 8% which was the lowest
employees
Check wording
percentage
show examples
 of
women
Use synonyms
.
Check wording
employees.
show examples

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Vocabulary: Replace the words usa, men, women, percentage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment rate
  • percentage
  • aged 60-64
  • employed
  • country
  • comparison
  • trends
  • increase
  • decrease
  • significant changes
  • socio-economic factors
  • gender disparity
  • highest
  • lowest
  • dataset
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