IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Employees sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In the prevailing era, recruiting ideal workers has become a pressing issue. It is an argued issue whether private
information
Use synonyms
, namely
martial
Use the right word
marital
show examples
 status, daily activities and many more, is asked by bosses or not.
This
Linking Words
 essay will not only discuss both viewpoints but
also
Linking Words
my
Verb problem
highlight my
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 opinion is
also
Linking Words
 highlighted. Commencing with the most salient reason why people support the inclusion of personal data in job
application
Fix the agreement mistake
applications
show examples
that
Verb problem
is that
show examples
 it allows
employees
Use the right word
employers
show examples
 to understand the character of a candidate and suitability for the position.
For example
Linking Words
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hobbies
such
Linking Words
 as playing a
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 game can demonstrate the ability of a person to work in a team,
while
Linking Words
 having knowledge of
foreign
Correct article usage
a foreign
show examples
 language can highlight their
adaptabilities
Fix the agreement mistake
adaptability
show examples
 to learn new things.
Thus
Linking Words
, having
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 is conducive. Despite its given arguments, I think that personal
information
Use synonyms
 in job applications should not be included because
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 can lead to discrimination and bias. Many employers may use
this
Linking Words
information
Use synonyms
 to make assumptions about the candidate's gender, age and ethnicity, which could result in unfair treatment and missed opportunities for the applicants. To illustrate, a married
women
Fix the agreement mistake
woman
show examples
 applicant may be perceived as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less committed or less likely to accept long hours. So, employers should ask
some
Change preposition
for some
show examples
 relevant
information
Use synonyms
 and adhere to
hire
Verb problem
apply
show examples
fair
practices
Check wording
hiring practices
show examples
.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 containing private
information
Use synonyms
 in a job application helps employees to comprehend the candidate's personality, I believe that having
these
Fix the agreement mistake
this
show examples
information
Use synonyms
 can prevent some candidates from getting opportunities.

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language
Fix grammar and spelling errors; many phrases are unclear.
coherence
Use clear topic sentences and link ideas with simple connectives.
content
Give more exact and related examples that fit the task.
structure
Make intro and conclusion stronger; state task and plan in intro; restate your view in conclusion.
task
Clear position on the topic.
content
Attempts to discuss both views.
language
Some good ideas and example use.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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