IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV, video games and other entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect the children? How do you think this problem can be tackled

Electronic devices
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become the main entertainment for today's
children
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
since
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the past decade.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it highly affects
children
Use synonyms
's behaviour
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 most of the
time
Use synonyms
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
 affection which the
electronics
Use synonyms
indicates
Correct subject-verb agreement
indicate
show examples
 is negative.
Fortunatley
Correct your spelling
Fortunately
, it can be limited by certain steps. Indeed, a few hours in a child's day could lead to violent acts and unethical behaviours.
Therefore
Linking Words
, parents should limit their
kid's
Check wording
kids'
show examples
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
, limiting
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 limits
electronic's
Check wording
electronic
show examples
affects
Use the right word
effects
show examples
 upon the child
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
Linking Words
also they must
Correct word order
They must also
show examples
 socialise with
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, so
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 have another source of affection
he
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can relate to.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, making sure the child has friends he can interact with, interacting with kids of the same age helps
children
Use synonyms
 build their character,
aswell
Correct your spelling
as well
 as it helps them take
sometime
Use the right word
some time
show examples
 outside the house; limiting the
electronics
Use synonyms
'
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
. There is no doubt that if these steps were
ignored
Punctuation problem
ignored,
show examples
 it would lead to violent acts, unethical behaviours,
slowing
Replace the word
slow
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
learning progress, and
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 laziness. These
consequenses
Correct your spelling
consequences
 usually
sticks
Correct subject-verb agreement
stick
show examples
 with the individuals until they're
passed
Verb problem
apply
show examples
19
years-old
Use the right word
years old
show examples
. Kids' behaviours could be affected by anything they see,
unconciously
Correct your spelling
unconsciously
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, parents who do not control what their
children
Use synonyms
 watch or play are ignorant of what reckless parenting could lead to
, many
Punctuation problem
. Many
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 around the world
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
commited
Correct your spelling
committed
 small to horrible crimes, from stealing to murder,
due to
Linking Words
 the
un-tackled
Use the right word
untackled
show examples
affect
Use the right word
effects
show examples
 of
electronics
Use synonyms
. In
conclousin
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, electronic devices
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become the main entertainment for today's
children
Use synonyms
,
since
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the
last
Linking Words
 decade.
Use synonyms
Electronics
Replace the word
Electronic
show examples
affects
Use the right word
effects
show examples
 should be controlled by
children
Use synonyms
's guardians by limiting their
screen
Use synonyms
time
Use synonyms
,
socialise
Wrong verb form
socialising
show examples
 with
him
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, and
provides
Wrong verb form
providing
show examples
 an
out-side
Use the right word
outside
show examples
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
 for the kid.
Linking Words
Otherwise
Add a comma
Otherwise,
show examples
 it could lead to
years-lasting
Use the right word
lasting
show examples
consequenses
Correct your spelling
consequences
.

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task response
The essay covers the topic but it does not fully answer how the problem can be solved. Add 2-3 clear steps with detail, and name the effect and the fix.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan. Start with a short intro that states the problem. Then give 2-3 body parts with clear links. End with a short conclusion.
language
Fix basic grammar and spell. Use plural for 'devices' and fix 'has' to 'have'. Check spell: 'aswell' -> 'as well', 'often'.
content
There is an idea that electronics can affect children.
content
The essay gives steps to help the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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