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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country's police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is a debate over what promotions females have, with some saying that
women
Use synonyms
 should have the same role as
men
Use synonyms
 in military
work
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 or in the police, others arguing that
women
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 should avoid these kinds of occupations as they are of the opposite gender ; they must do their responsibilities at home or in other spheres. In fast paced world, it is available for a gentlewoman to
work
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 as a soldier or law enforcement officer since they
also
Linking Words
 have an equal opportunity as
men
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. Successful
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in military or force jobs have broken barriers and achieved significant milestones.
For example
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, looking back, we can see many people, one of them is Harriet Tubman , leading a military expedition during the Civil War, reaching the highest ranks.
Moreover
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, in law enforcement,
women
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such
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 as Meta Kehrer became pioneers in roles traditionally held by
men
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.
Therefore
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, these types of
women
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 from history extremely inspire current girls to take action in
this
Linking Words
 field of
work
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, which means that
women
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also
Linking Words
 have better access and ability to pursue careers like
men
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.
Conversely
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, these fields require much effort as females are controversially not both mentally and physically capable of coping with
such
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 a demanding
work
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 atmosphere. In addition, military and police
work
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 require extreme strength, endurance, and quick reaction times.
While
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 many
women
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 meet these standards, on average,
women
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 tend to have less upper body muscle mass and aerobic capacity than
men
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.
However
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, injury risks include , but are not limited to , stress fractures and depression.
Consequently
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, it leads to some pains in their body and causes many illnesses in the future.
Thus
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, females might not meet the specific physical, mental, or lifestyle requirements. In conclusion,
although
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 ladies have the same level as
men
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,
women
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 should
work
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 in fields which are acceptable to their gender and
according to
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 their physical and psychological sides. These factors, combined with the potential strain on family life and the challenges caused by a male-dominated nature and behaviour.

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content
Check facts you use and give only true, real examples.
structure
Make one clear view at the end and link it to your start.
structure
Make the order clear: intro, view, view, your idea, then end.
grammar
Use short and simple sentences. This helps you be clear.
cohesion
Use linking words to show how ideas fit, such as first, next, and also.
task response
Explain why you hold your view with one or two reasons.
content
The essay tries to show both sides.
structure
There is a clear end where you give your view.
language
Some good examples and facts show you know the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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