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Band 5

It is commonly believed that nowadays main factors that affect a child's development are media, pop culture and friends. A different point of view is that family plays the most significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is no doubt about the importance of
children
Use synonyms
's development to their lives.
While
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 there is a commonly held belief that the media has a significant impact on
children
Use synonyms
's lives, there is
also
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 an argument that tends to suggest that the family is the cornerstone of
children
Use synonyms
.
This
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 essay will discuss
this
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 topic from both points of view and
,
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apply
show examples
then
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 present my own opinion. On the one hand, there is no denying the fact that media
such
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 as
Internet
Correct article usage
the Internet
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 and pop culture are heavily on people's lives.
In other words
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, the global nowadays becomes a small village, maybe a song by a band from another continent could be a trend in a
far away
Use the right word
faraway
show examples
 place. The internet, particularly social media, is playing a significant role in the orientation of the whole generation.
For example
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
TikTok, which is one of the most popular applications that
used
Verb problem
is used
show examples
 to start a trend,
crossing
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has crossed
show examples
 the world. So teenagers from different cultures and countries
,
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apply
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 connect and imitate each other.
On the other hand
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the first teachers for their kids. It is
also
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 possible to say that
,
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apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 in their first years spend the most time with their
parents
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, forming their personality.
Moreover
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, a child absorbs the behaviour and learns skills from family ,
then
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 from outside. So, the most impact on kids comes from the first circle - their
parents
Use synonyms
 -,
then
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 from family and friends.
For instance
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, a study revealed that
children
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 absorb 95% of their skills and behaviour from their
parents
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,
while
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 5% from siblings, cousins, and friends. In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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 question. On balance,
however
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, I firmly tend to believe that family have the crucial role in kids.

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content
Task response: Your answer meets the task by showing both views and giving your own view. Still, make ideas clear and more full. Add more strong, real examples and explain how they show the idea.
structure
Coherence and cohesion: The text has a good plan with three parts. Some lines are long and odd. Use short sentences sometimes and link with easy words like 'also', 'but', 'however', 'then' to help flow.
content
You show you know both sides and give a clear view at the end.
structure
You use a plan that fits the task, with intro, two views, and a final opinion.
coherence
There are good links in places, showing contrast.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • influence
  • development
  • media
  • pop culture
  • peers
  • family
  • social skills
  • beliefs
  • values
  • emotional support
  • moral guidance
  • aspirations
  • self-image
  • social development
  • value system
  • harmony
  • conflict
  • significant
  • behaviors
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