IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

some people believe that in order to reduce the rising obesity among children the school administration should make it necessary for every child to participate in sports and other outdoor activities. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people argue that
do
Wrong verb form
doing
show examples
 sports and physical
activities
Use synonyms
 should be an obligation in schools to reduce the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rates for
children
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 I believe there are some benefits and disadvantages
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 issue, I agree with the statement.
Obesity
Use synonyms
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a high risk among
children
Use synonyms
 in recent years. Most of the parents and teachers claim that
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle and technological developments are crucial factors
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
incrased
Correct your spelling
increased
 rate.
Actually
Add a comma
Actually,
show examples
 their claims are proven by some scientists.
According to
Linking Words
Linking Words
last
Correct word choice
the latest
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 studies,
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle is the major cause of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
. Since every kind of
plays
Fix the agreement mistake
play
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 accessible from the tablet or laptop, outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as biking, hide and seek,
ripping
Correct word choice
and ripping
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 ropes are less interesting for them.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
administration
Correct article usage
the administration
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 of
school
Correct article usage
the school
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 should be aware of the rising risk
an
Use the right word
and
show examples
 take some
mesures
Correct your spelling
measures
. If they encourage the students to do
supports
Use the right word
sports
show examples
 and physical
activities
Use synonyms
, maybe
rising
Correct article usage
the rising
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 rates can
get
Wrong verb form
be brought
show examples
 under control.
On the other hand
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, compulsion is not the most effective way to convince them.
Children
Use synonyms
 may have negative feelings about physical
activities
Use synonyms
as a result
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 of the
necessarity
Correct your spelling
necessity
.
Additionally
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, all
children
Use synonyms
 do not have the same physical conditions
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
thus
Linking Words
, other methods should be evaluated.
For instance
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,
encourage
Wrong verb form
encouraging
show examples
 students to eat healthy ingredients may be
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 efficient way to decrease the rising risk of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, doing exercise and physical
activities
Use synonyms
 should be controlled and implemented as a necessity among
children
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, it must take into consideration, compulsion may cause
disencouragment
Correct your spelling
discouragement
 and these
activities
Use synonyms
 can be unfeasible for some of the students.

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improvement
State your view clearly in the first sentence and keep to it in the rest of the essay.
improvement
Link ideas with easy words like and, but, so, also, then. Put points in clear order.
structure
Make a plan before you write. Use a simple structure with 1 intro, 2 body parts, and 1 conclusion.
content
The writer shows a clear view and keeps to it.
structure
There is a closing idea that repeats the main point.
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