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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people believe that family has a greater influence on a child’s life and development than other factors like friends, TV, music and so on. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

There is no denying the fact that humans are influenced significantly by their environment. Some people argue that family has a greater influence on a child's development,
while
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 others believe that other factors are more impactful. In
this
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 essay, I will examine both statements
,
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apply
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 and the extent to which I agree with the second notion.
To begin
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 with, the role of parenting can influence
children
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's behaviour and emotional development.
In other words
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, kids see parents as their role models, which might define their personalities over time.
In addition
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,
children
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 not only take their parents as role models, but they
also
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 try to copy their actions and principles. As an example, if a kid sees his father reading, he will try to do the same.
On the contrary
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, non-family environments have more potential impacts on
children
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's intelligence and nature. As they spend more time with their friends, they will think and behave
similarly
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 to the individuals around them.
For example
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, kids who often hang out with intelligent people
,
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apply
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they
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apply
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are more likely to become clever, as many studies have shown.
Moreover
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, technological advancements can be considerably harmful
on
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to
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children
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's development. With the rapid growth of the internet,
children
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 can access inappropriate information,
such
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 as sexual or criminal content.
This
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 can negatively affect their mentality and,
conequently
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consequently
, their future. In conclusion,
although
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 parents' part is undeniable, I believe that other factors, like friends and the
media
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media,
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 are more impactful on
children
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's personalities.
Therefore
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, we should pay close attention to the content they see
,
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apply
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 and the friends they hang out with.

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Task Response
State a clear view in the first paragraph and keep it steady through the essay.
Coherence
Link ideas with better ties between paragraphs so the flow is smooth.
Content
Give more strong and clear examples to show your point.
Language Accuracy
Fix grammar and spelling mistakes, like 'conequently' and 'to' vs 'for' where needed.
Lexical Resource
Use simple, everyday words and short sentences to be easy to read.
Task
The writer states a clear view.
Structure
Some good linking words and a basic structure are used.
Content
There are useful examples that support ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Developmental psychology
  • Socialization
  • Inculcate
  • Role models
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Agents of socialization
  • Primary caregivers
  • External influences
  • Nurture vs. nature
  • Cognitive growth
  • Interpersonal skills
  • Parental guidance
  • Absentee parents
  • Genetic predispositions
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