IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many offenders commit more crimes after they serve the first punishment. What does this happen, and what measures can be taken to solve this problem?

The increase in violent
behaviour
Use synonyms
 among ex-offenders after time in prison is widespread.
This
Linking Words
 issue requires a deep psychological analysis of the human psyche in
such
Linking Words
 conditions. And I intend to give a brief outline of the main arguments. Sometimes it can be hard to understand humans, their
behaviour
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 and certain situations remain unexplained. Hardly a week goes by without a report about murders
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 one of the recent
most
Correct word choice
and most
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 discussed cases happened in the US, when a man murdered an innocent woman. It is a vivid example of a five-time prisoner
,
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apply
show examples
 who still commits crimes for unexplainable reasons. Psychologists believe that
such
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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behaviour
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 can mostly be caused by childhood traumas
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 a person tries to punish everyone in order to compensate for their pain. Undoubtedly, it is extremely hard to solve
this
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 problem, but there still can be a solution. First of all, offenders should be working with psychologists
and make
Rephrase
to
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sure
Use the right word
ensure
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 their mental health is healed and they are not a threat to society. Rehabilitation can take a lot of time
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 it will ensure our future.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the government should be more attentive
with
Change preposition
to
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 ex-prisoners and not give them a second chance. Taking a case in the US
Change preposition
as in
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in
Use the right word
an
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point
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example
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, we could realise that a lack of proper support after release contributed to repeated
offenses
Use the right word
offences
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. By monitoring ex-offenders more closely, the risk of violent
behaviour
Use synonyms
 could be reduced. All things considered, even though the
amount
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number
show examples
 of crimes is increasing, we could stop
this
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 tendency by cooperating with engaging rehabilitation institutions and mental health experts.

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structure
Try to use one main idea in each paragraph. State the idea, add one clear example, and end with a short sentence that shows the point.
coherence
Link ideas with small words like also, but, for, then, finally to help the flow.
content
Give more detail on the ways to help offenders after release. Say who should do it, how, and why.
structure
The topic is clear and you want to show a plan to fix the issue.
content
You give ideas like talk with doctors and after release help.
structure
There is a last line that tries to sum up the view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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