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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summerise the information by selection and reporting the main features, and make comaparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summerise the information by selection and reporting the main features, and make comaparisons where relevant.
The bar graphs illustrate the
rate
Use synonyms
 of death in Africa by
age
Use synonyms
 and
gender
Use synonyms
 in 1950, 1980, and 2010. One of the first things to note is that all graphs
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 decreased regardless of
age
Use synonyms
 or
gender
Use synonyms
.
Also
Linking Words
, in the mortality by
age
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, the
figure
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 of 0~20 is higher than 21~30
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the rest of the bar graphs
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 are '21~40', '41~50', and '61 and above
'
Punctuation problem
',
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are increasing in each year. In regard to
gender
Use synonyms
, there are
male's
Check wording
male
show examples
Use synonyms
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 and
female's
Check wording
female
show examples
Use synonyms
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
.
Likewise
Linking Words
, as
age
Use synonyms
is decreasing
Wrong verb form
decreases
show examples
, so
is
Verb problem
does
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 the
rate
Use synonyms
 of
gender
Use synonyms
. The percentage of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 is higher than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 both of them are
also
Linking Words
 decreasing as time goes by. As clearly seen from the chart,
male's
Check wording
males'
show examples
 percentage is 37 in 1950
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, it's 23% in 2010.
Also
Linking Words
, in 1950,
Correct article usage
the female's
show examples
female's
Check wording
female
show examples
figure
Use synonyms
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 27%
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
1950 and
it's
Verb problem
it was
show examples
 23% in 2010. These mean that
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 is decreased.
Overall
Linking Words
, both
Use synonyms
gender
Correct article usage
the gender
show examples
 and
age
Use synonyms
 graph is decreased.
In addition
Linking Words
, the mortality
rate
Use synonyms
 of 0~20 is higher than 21~30, and
Correct article usage
the female's
show examples
female's
Check wording
female
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
 is lower than
Correct article usage
the male's
show examples
male's
Check wording
male
show examples
rate
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
gender
Correct article usage
the gender
show examples
 graph.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words rate, age, gender, figure with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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