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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows of expeditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.

The bar chart below shows of expeditures for five major categories in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom, and Japan in the year 2009.
The bar chart illustrates
rate
Correct article usage
the rate
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 of expenses for five different important needs in four countries
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are: United
Use synonyms
states
Fix capitalization
States
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, Canada,
United
Correct article usage
the United
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Use synonyms
kingdom
Fix capitalization
Kingdom
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 and
Japan
Use synonyms
in
Punctuation problem
, in
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 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of expenditure in
the
Correct word order
Japan and the
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Japan
Use synonyms
 and United
Use synonyms
kingdom
Fix capitalization
Kingdom
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 showed the most significant
rose
Replace the word
rise
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 throughout the period.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
United
Correct article usage
the United
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Use synonyms
states
Fix capitalization
States
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 and
Canda
Use the right word
Canada
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 experienced a downward trend. At the beginning of the time, in
Use synonyms
Japan
Punctuation problem
Japan,
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 expenses increased in
food
Use synonyms
reaching
Punctuation problem
, reaching
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 the peak at 23% on
food
Use synonyms
 and in housing
at
Punctuation problem
, at
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 22%
it
Punctuation problem
. It
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 fell down within only 0.1%, but United
Use synonyms
kingdom
Fix capitalization
Kingdom
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 started at 20% which was the second largest spent
in
Change preposition
on
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food
Use synonyms
 in 2009,
moreover
Linking Words
, recorded at 24% .
While
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the
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United
Use synonyms
states
Fix capitalization
States
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 and
Canda
Use the right word
Canada
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 were nearly around 14% in
food
Use synonyms
 , it went up dramatically
almost
Punctuation problem
, almost
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 26% but the latter was in the same category
approximately
Punctuation problem
, approximately
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 15% and in housing
reaching
Punctuation problem
, reaching
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 21%.
In
Change preposition
On
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 the other hand, transportation and health care in
United
Correct article usage
the United
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Use synonyms
states
Fix capitalization
States
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was growth
Verb problem
grew
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 slightly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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in
Change preposition
apply
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clothing declined.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Canda
Use the right word
Canada
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 spends a lot on three different categories.
While
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
 and
Correct article usage
the united
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united
Fix capitalization
United Kingdom
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kingdom
Use synonyms
 experienced a
lowest
Correct word choice
low
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 spend in transportation , health care and clothing.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words states, kingdom, japan, food with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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