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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below provides information on marriage status and age from 1960 to 2000 in Australia.

The table below provides information on marriage status and age from 1960 to 2000 in Australia.
The table provides data on marriage types and the average
age
Use synonyms
 of couples between 1960 and 2000 in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
, both the types of marriage and the average
age
Use synonyms
 of couples increased over the period. In 1960, the number of religious
marriages
Use synonyms
 was 17,000 higher than civil
marriages
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the average
age
Use synonyms
 of brides was 21 and that of
grooms
Use synonyms
 was 24. After ten years, the gap
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
 the two kinds of
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
show examples
 rose again to 16,000, and the average
age
Use synonyms
 of brides increased from 21 to 25,
while
Linking Words
 that of
grooms
Use synonyms
 reached 25. By 1980, the number of religious
marriages
Use synonyms
 rose sharply to 50,000,
while
Linking Words
 the figure of civil
marriages
Use synonyms
 was 16,000.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the average
age
Use synonyms
 of couples increased by two years. In 1990, the figure for religious
marriages
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 dropped dramatically to 32,000,
while
Linking Words
 the number of civil
marriages
Use synonyms
 grew to 23,000.
In addition
Linking Words
, the mean
age
Use synonyms
 of brides was 27,
whereas
Linking Words
 that of
grooms
Use synonyms
reached
Verb problem
was
show examples
 30. After a decade, the figure for civil
wedding
Fix the agreement mistake
weddings
show examples
 was higher than that of religious
marriages
Use synonyms
, with a difference of about 6,000.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the mean ages of the
bride
Fix the agreement mistake
brides
show examples
reached
Verb problem
were
show examples
 30,
while
Linking Words
that
Correct determiner usage
those
show examples
 of the
grooms
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 32.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, marriages, grooms with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "provides" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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