IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people regard video games as harmless fun, or even as a useful educational tool. Others, however, believe that video games are having an adverse effect on the people who play them. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

While
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 it is commonly thought
video
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games
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 as harmless
fun
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, or even as a useful educational tool.
Other
Fix the agreement mistake
Others
show examples
 believe that
video
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games
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are
Verb problem
have
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 having adverse effect on the
people
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 who play them. I’m going to discuss these opposing points of view. In my opinion,
video
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games
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 can cause some harmful
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
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 who lose control of themselves. On the one hand, it is argued that
video
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games
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 as harmless
fun
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, even as
useful
Correct article usage
a useful
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 educational tool.
Firstly
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,
Some
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some
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people
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 think
video
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games
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 are good because they are
fun
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 and can help
people
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 learn.
For example
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, some
games
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 teach history, language, or
problem solving
Use the right word
problem-solving
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. Children can
also
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 relax and make friends by playing together.
Secondly
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,
video
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games
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 can be an easy way to enjoy free time and
also
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 learn something.
On the other hand
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, it is strongly believed by others that
video
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games
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 are harmful for
people
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 who play them, especially children.
Firstly
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, Many young
people
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 spend too much time on
games
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 and forget about
study
Replace the word
studying
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 or
exercise
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exercising
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.
This
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 can make them
ignorance
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ignorant
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mind
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apply
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and unhealthy physical body.
Secondly
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, some
games
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 are
also
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 violent, and players may become more aggressive in real life. In conclusion, it is commonly thought that
video
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games
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 as harmless
fun
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, or even as a useful educational tool.
meanwhile
Fix capitalization
Meanwhile
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, others assume that
video
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games
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are
Verb problem
have
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 having adverse effect on the
people
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 who play them. Personally, I tend to believe that if they play too much, it can cause problems
about
Change preposition
with
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 mental health, bad
behavier
Correct your spelling
behaviour
,
even
Correct word choice
and even
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 become more aggressive or violent... I think
people
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 need to play
games
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 with study and work in moderation.

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task
Improve task response by more fully exploring both views and clearly stating your own stance with a clear reason in each paragraph.
coherence
Strengthen coherence by using clear paragraphs, a topic sentence in each, and linking words to show how ideas relate.
language
Use simpler sentence forms; check grammar such as verb form and noun plural; avoid long run-on phrases.
examples
Give more precise examples that match the point you make, and explain why they show your view.
organization
The essay has a plan with introduction, body and conclusion.
stance
There is a clear view and a stance is stated.
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