IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays, some individuals consider
the
Correct article usage
that
show examples
 unpaid voluntary work ought to be a must for high school
students
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, I approve of the idea that
community
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 is good for
students
Use synonyms
, but it shouldn’t be enforced.  There is no doubt that unpaid voluntary
service
Use synonyms
 offers numerous merits.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it is highly beneficial to society.
For instance
Linking Words
, working for a charity can raise money for someone who needs help
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as disabilities and elderly people living alone
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 thereby making the
community
Use synonyms
 more harmonious.
In addition
Linking Words
, doing some cleanup work can not only improve the environment of
Correct article usage
the neighborhood
show examples
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
, but
also
Linking Words
 exercise
students
Use synonyms
’ bodies. What is more, if
students
Use synonyms
 were to teach sports to younger
children
Use synonyms
, the
students
Use synonyms
 would cultivate a sense of responsibility and strengthen their sports skills. 
However
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 doing
community
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 is undoubtedly a remarkable thing, schools should not
enforce
Verb problem
force
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 to do
.
Correct pronoun usage
it.
show examples
 If
students
Use synonyms
 are reluctant to be volunteers, they may mess up. Just imagine a student who dislikes younger
children
Use synonyms
, and if he were to do voluntary work in an orphanage, he would not be responsible for younger
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 thereby would even do harm to
children
Use synonyms
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the main purpose of
community
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 is voluntariness. If schools compel
students
Use synonyms
 to participate in voluntary activities, it will run counter to the initial principle of voluntariness and
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
turn
Punctuation problem
turn,
show examples
 lead
students
Use synonyms
 far away from
community
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 in the future.  In conclusion, only by doing
community
Use synonyms
service
Use synonyms
 of
students
Use synonyms
’ own accord can they benefit the
neighborhood
Change the spelling
neighbourhood
show examples
. High schools should guide
students
Use synonyms
 to take part in voluntary
service
Use synonyms
 voluntarily
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as inviting some volunteers to share their voluntary experience
rather
Punctuation problem
, rather
show examples
 than imposing compulsory rules.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

grammar
Improve grammar and use simple, clear words; avoid informal phrases like 'mess up'.
structure
Make your position very clear in the opening and restate it in the end.
content
Add strong, real examples that fit your point more closely.
clarity
Shorten long sentences and break up ideas for easy read.
style
Cut repetition of 'voluntary' to keep style clean.
stance
You state your view and keep it, which shows a steady mind.
coherence
You use linking words to show order in your ideas.
content
You show balance by giving both sides a look.
structure
Your ending repeats your view, which closes the essay well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • compulsory
  • high school programmes
  • unpaid community service
  • charity
  • improving the neighbourhood
  • teaching sports
  • sense of responsibility
  • empathy
  • broader perspective
  • societal issues
  • college applications
  • job applications
  • positive impact
What to do next:
Look at other essays: