IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Now children spend a lot of time playing computer games and little timedoing sports, why is this? Do you think it is a negative or positivedevelopment?

Nowadays, many
children
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 are addicted to playing
computer
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games
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 and
lack
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of
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apply
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exercise. From my perspective, the contradiction between the appeal of
computer
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games
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 and the shortage of self-discipline is the core reason, which is undoubtedly harmful to
development
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. It is common that
children
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lack
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 self-control, which means they are easy to be attracted by interesting factors.
However
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,
computer
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games
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 are truly attractive, so
children
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 often find it difficult to quit playing them.
In addition
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, many adults find it hard to stick to doing sport,
not to mention
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children
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. There are many reasons supporting that it is a negative
development
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.
Firstly
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, being excessively addicted to
computer
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games
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 and
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lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of exercise will lead to poor health,
such
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 as obesity.
A long-term
Correct determiner usage
Long-term
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 obesity may even cause heart disease, thereby posing a heavy burden on a family. Based on data from
China
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the China
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 Healthcare Report 2020, an increasing number of
children
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 suffered from obesity, and one-third of them were at risk of developing heart disease. Not only can
this
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 situation increase family pressure, but it can
also
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 add to the healthcare burden of society, and in turn be harmful to the allocation of social resources.
Additionally
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, the phenomenon
also
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 reduces the supply of social talents. There is no doubt that if
children
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 spend more time on
computer
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games
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, they will have less time on studying, which may cause poor academic performance, and thereby they cannot enter university. It is not only bad for their
development
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, but
also
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 decreases the delivery of talents to society, and in turn reduces social innovation. In conclusion, the main reason for the phenomenon is the contradiction between the attraction of
computer
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games
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 and
children
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's innate
lack
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 of self-control. Health problems and academic shortages are harmful to social
development
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.

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task response
Make your view clear at the start and say it again at the end.
task response
Put one main idea in each part and end with a short, clear close.
task response
Add a small note on how to fix the issue.
coherence
Use simple links like and, but, also to show how ideas go with each other.
coherence
Begin each part with a clear idea, then add detail.
grammar
Keep sentences short so they are easy to read.
strength
You show a clear view on the topic.
strength
The flow from one idea to the next is easy to follow.
strength
You use a fact to back up a point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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