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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

There is a lot of pressure on adolescents to be successful in terms of academics nowadays.
Consequently
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, some
people
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 argue that the non-academic
lessons
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,
such
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 as music, physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that young
people
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 may be able to focus on academic work. I totally disagree with that belief, because non-academic
subjects
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 are essential for students’ self-development and their success in academic classes.
Firstly
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, some
people
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 argue that removing non-academic classes from the school syllabus will ensure that children can concentrate on the academy.
However
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, these kinds of
lessons
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 provide stress reduction, enhance confidence and improve them. Particularly, students will be able to reduce their pressure and stress , since the non-academic
subjects
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 allow them to forget their problems.
Additionally
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, they will gain confidence
,
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apply
show examples
while
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 doing these kinds of
lessons
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,
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 because they will be encouraged to explore themselves.
Lastly
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, improvement not only means being successful in academic things, but
also
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 means
to do
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doing
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 some extracurricular activities.
For instance
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, most successful teenagers are able to be a professional at doing extracurricular activities,
such
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 as playing instruments, doing sports… Another point, not every student should be good at academic studies. It is about talents. Some children have innate skills out of an academic context,
such
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 as acting, cooking… If these
lessons
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 were removed, these
people
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 would not be able to find their talents
,
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apply
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 and would be forced to study.
For example
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, I have tons of friends who are not really good at doing
lessons
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, yet quite successful at doing other things,
such
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 as communication, debating, writing…
To sum up
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, removing non-academic
subjects
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 from the school syllabus means forcing students, who may not be as skilled as others, to study. I really disagree with that
,
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apply
show examples
 and believe that non-academic
subjects
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 should be compulsory.

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improvement
Add more facts to back each reason and show one idea per paragraph.
improvement
Make links simple and clear for each idea: use because, also, but, so.
improvement
Write one main idea per paragraph and start with a clear topic sentence; end with a short close.
improvement
Check grammar and keep sentences short where possible.
strength
You show you disagree clearly and give reasons.
strength
You name more than one non‑academic subject and give examples.
strength
You stay on the topic for most of the time.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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