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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The first chart shows the population of England and Wales between 1700 and 2000. The second chart gives information about the birth and death rate in the same countried in the same period.

The first chart shows the population of England and Wales between 1700 and 2000. The second chart gives information about the birth and death rate in the same countried in the same period.
The first chart
illustrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrates
show examples
 the
population
Use synonyms
 of two European countries combined - England and Wales - from the
year
Use synonyms
 1700 to 2000.
In addition
Linking Words
, the second chart displays data about
Use synonyms
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
show examples
 and
death
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 of the same countries
in
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the same time
duration
Check wording
period
show examples
. It is evident that the
population
Use synonyms
 has massively increased throughout the period.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the
birth
Use synonyms
 and
death
Use synonyms
 rates
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 a sudden spike in the 18th century
spike
Check wording
apply
show examples
and
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 toned down in the later period.
Linking Words
FIrstly
Fix capitalization
Firstly
show examples
,
according to
Linking Words
 the records, the
population
Use synonyms
 in these countries were around 8 million in the
year
Use synonyms
 1700. Later, the numbers doubled when it was checked in 1800. Not only that, a century later, approximately 38 million people were residing in those two
conutries
Correct your spelling
countries
 combined.
This
Linking Words
 trend was
also
Linking Words
 seen later
when
Punctuation problem
, when
show examples
 in 2000 the numbers increased by
10 million approximately
Correct word order
approximately 10 million
show examples
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
year
Correct article usage
the year
show examples
 1800 shows
most
Correct word choice
the largest
show examples
 number of
Use synonyms
birth
Fix the agreement mistake
births
show examples
 and deaths - the
birth
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 in the
year
Use synonyms
 1800 was 23 per 1000 people.
Simlarly
Correct your spelling
Similarly
,the
death
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 was
also
Linking Words
 16 per 1000.
However
Linking Words
, in the rest of
Correct article usage
the years
show examples
years
Add a comma
years,
show examples
 the
birth
Use synonyms
 and
death
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 shows not much of a difference, averaging to 11 and 6 per 1000 citizens respectively. One thing to think about is, if the
birth
Use synonyms
 and deaths are stagnant
Linking Words
then
Punctuation problem
, then
show examples
 how is the
population
Use synonyms
incresing
Correct your spelling
increasing
 at
this
Linking Words
 scale? Could it be immigrants?

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 71%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, year, birth, death, rate with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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