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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart shows the average number of hours per week that men and women spend doing activities around the home.

The bar chart shows the average number of hours per week that men and women spend doing activities around the home.
The bar chart illustrates the average number
or
Use the right word
of
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hours
Use synonyms
 every week
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that
spend
Wrong verb form
are spent
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 by two genders: men and
female
Check wording
women
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on
Punctuation problem
, on
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 various activities at home in a particular country.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 women spent most time doing chores
such
Linking Words
 as cooking, washing up and others,
while
Linking Words
 males spent more
hours
Use synonyms
 on leisure activities
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 watching television and surfing the internet. Starting with women, the dominant trend is cooking, according
for
Change preposition
to
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 15
hours
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, watching television
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 up nearly 13
hours
Use synonyms
. Next
come
Correct subject-verb agreement
comes
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washing
Correct article usage
the washing
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 machine with 7
hours
Use synonyms
.
The cleaning
Correct determiner usage
Cleaning
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 the house and reading display the same share, at 5
hours
Use synonyms
. For surfing the internet and gardening, women spent the lowest time, highlighting 4 and 1
hours
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, men devote much time
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 entertainment, watching television and surfing
in
Change preposition
apply
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the internet at about 14 and 12
hours
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown
washing
Punctuation problem
, washing
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 up and reading represented similar detail, 5
hours
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 cooking is just under 10
hours
Use synonyms
.
Finally
Linking Words
, cleaning the house and gardening
around
Change preposition
for around
show examples
 2
hours
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "such".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 69%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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