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Writing Samples
Band 6

The chart's below show the average percentage in typical meals of three types of nutrients all of which may be unhealthy if eaten to much

The chart's below show the average percentage in typical meals of three types of nutrients all of which may be unhealthy if eaten to much
The pie charts illustrate the proportion of three different types of nutrients among meals in
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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. Each chart presents data about a different type of nutrient,like
sodium
Use synonyms
, saturated fat, and
sugar
Use synonyms
, showing how the proportions vary across different categories.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 that the ratio of
sodium
Use synonyms
 is higher in breakfast,
while
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
a
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little
Correct word choice
small
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 amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 was added in lunch. In terms of
sodium
Use synonyms
, the largest portion is represented by breakfast
almost
Punctuation problem
, almost
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 43%, 29% lunch
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 meanwhile, the concentration of
sodium
Use synonyms
 was in
similar
Correct article usage
a similar
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 ratio, both in
dinner
Use synonyms
 and snacks, that was 14%. A similar pattern can be observed in
saturated
Correct article usage
the saturated
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 fat chart, where the quantity of saturated fat remains dominant,
whereas
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
dinner
Use synonyms
 meal occupies a relatively smaller share. For
third
Correct article usage
the third
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 chart, where
sugar
Use synonyms
added
Verb problem
is added
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, almost 19%
sugar
Use synonyms
used
Verb problem
is used
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 in lunch and 16% in
dinner
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the highest concentration of
sugar
Use synonyms
consumed
Verb problem
is consumed
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 in snacks that were unhealthy
.
Check wording
snacks.
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 In general, the data suggest that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 unhealthy nutrients are mainly consumed at
dinner
Use synonyms
 and
sodium
Use synonyms
 and saturated fat
consumed
Verb problem
are consumed
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 at breakfast.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sodium, sugar, dinner with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "ratio" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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