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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years, 1960 and 2010.

The charts show the percentage of people working in different sectors in Towns A and B in two years, 1960 and 2010.
The pie charts compare the three
industries
Check wording
industries'
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 workforce proportions of
Town
Use synonyms
 A and
Town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 in 1960 and 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clearly seen that the most dramatic change observed in
Town
Use synonyms
 A’s workers portions, in manufacturing its workers number nearly 1 of two and half increased and peaked at 64% in 2010.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 and
services
Use synonyms
 have almost halved in size over the decades.
Firstly
Linking Words
, in 1960,
Town
Use synonyms
A
Check wording
A's
show examples
 most dominant sector was
sales
Use synonyms
,
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 accounted for 41% second was
services
Use synonyms
, third was manufacturing, as they shared very close percentages, 30 and 29% respectively.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 employees were significantly dense at the
sales
Use synonyms
 branch by 70%, manufacturing 10% and
services
Use synonyms
 almost doubled the figures of
sales
Use synonyms
 by 20%.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the most dramatic change seen at
Town
Use synonyms
 A manufacturing sector surged to 64% and the service and
sales
Use synonyms
 sectors almost halved in size and
decreased
Wrong verb form
decreasing
show examples
 to 16% and 20% respectively.
Whereas
Linking Words
,
Town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
sales
Use synonyms
 workforce moderately decreased to 53%,
while
Linking Words
 manufacturing doubled and halved in size, surged to 25% and
services
Use synonyms
 slightly increased to 22%.
To sum up
Linking Words
, over the years,
Town
Use synonyms
 A transformed
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 a manufacturing state and
Town
Use synonyms
B
Use synonyms
 peaked in
sales
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words town, b, sales, services with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "surged" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "dramatic" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dominant sector
  • proportion
  • employment sectors
  • distribution
  • shifts
  • trends
  • growth
  • decline
  • main sector
  • 50-year period
  • comparison focus
  • analyze
  • summarize
  • changes
  • increase
  • decrease
  • evolution
  • observed
  • highlight
  • underlie
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