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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many people think happiness relies upon the responsibility of individuals, others think that is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience.

While
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 some believe that it is up to us to achieve
happiness
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, others think that
happiness
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 is conditioned by other factors. In
this
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 essay, I will address both ideas before giving my personal opinion. On the one hand,
it is clear that
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 if
happiness
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 is set
in
Change preposition
as
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some
Correct determiner usage
a
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 goal, a series of actions must be carried out for it to be achieved, whether to obtain something material or to feel fulfilled.
For example
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, those who
visualize
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visualise
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 themselves happy getting the job they longed for, they most likely will get it by studying, working and improving themselves. When
happiness
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 is understood as a specific place to which one intends to arrive, the decisions that each individual makes will be decisive in achieving it.
On the other hand
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, on
this
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 path to
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happiness
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happiness,
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 there will always be unforeseen events, things that are beyond our control and even understanding, which can complicate the journey to the ideal of
happiness
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.
For instance
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, for a father who finds his
happiness
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 in his family and an accident or illness takes his son away from him without warning, he will be devastated no matter how much success or recognition he has, since his
happiness
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 was in being a father. In
this
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 sense, a sudden event can not only bring us closer to or
further
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 away from
happiness
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, but
completely
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also completely
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 change its meaning. Personally, I believe that
happiness
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 is defined by each individual's reality, a reality that, in turn, was marked by events and coincidences that the person did not choose.
For example
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, I was born in a democratic country into a loving family. Today, my
happiness
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 lies in pursuing my career and helping as many people as possible. To achieve
this
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, the responsibility falls entirely on me
,
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;
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instead
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, if I had been born in the middle of the war in Iran, my
happiness
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 would probably be that my family would be safe, which would depend on external factors, not on me.
To conclude
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,
happiness
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 can be experienced through the decisions we make to achieve it,
as well as
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 through the uncertainty and hazards of life.
However
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, what has to happen to reach
happiness
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 will depend on your reality and your past experiences.
Therefore
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,
happiness
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 is conditioned by other factors.

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structure
Have a clear main idea in the intro and keep each paragraph to one main point.
language
Make short, simple sentences. This helps clear meaning and flow.
content
Connect each paragraph to your view and the task with clear links.
content
Use one personal example with clear link to the idea you support.
structure
Clear opposite views are shown and a clear own view is given.
content
Personal example adds voice and realism.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • individual responsibility
  • personal mindset
  • proactive steps
  • self-improvement
  • socio-economic status
  • relationships
  • environmental conditions
  • external factors
  • positive attitude
  • pursuit of happiness
  • facilitate
  • hamper
  • proactive engagement
  • sense of achievement
  • conducive environment
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