IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that health care is the responsibility of the government. Other people believe that health care is not the governments responsibility, but each individual person is responsible for their own health. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Health
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care
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 plays a vital role in
this
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 society. In fact, there are some individuals who think that
health
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care
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 is the
government
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’s responsibility.
While
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 others believe that
people
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 have to take
care
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 of their
health
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. I partially agree with both views. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both ideas and present my opinion. On the one hand, there are many
people
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 who believe that
health
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care
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 is the
government
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’s responsibility.
For example
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, the
government
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 should increase the number of hospitals in the country.
As a result
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, hospitals will be in each area of the country.
This
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 will be very easy for
people
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, especially the elderly.
Also
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, the
government
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 should provide free medicine.
Moreover
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, governments should put healthy food in school cafeterias.
Also
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, they have to employ nurses at schools. Nurses are essential professionals in the schools.
Finally
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, the
government
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 could
also
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 employ dentists for everybody, especially children.
On the other hand
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, there are others who believe
people
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 should take
care
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 of their own
health
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.
For example
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,
people
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 who don’t eat properly
,
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apply
show examples
 don’t deserve the
government
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's offers.
For example
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,
people
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 who eat junk food and sugar are at risk.
Also
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, smoking is incredibly dangerous to
health
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.
Furthermore
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, many
people
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 enjoy smoking , which is unhealthy. The
government
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 shouldn’t give smokers medical services.
Therefore
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, they should avoid smoking themselves. A recent study showed 45 per cent of those who don’t take
care
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 of themselves are children. That means parents should focus on them. In conclusion, it is clear to see that in my opinion I strongly agree with these two opinions. I completely agree that the
government
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 should take
care
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 of its citizens.
However
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, I
also
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 believe that
people
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 have a responsibility to live a healthy lifestyle.

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task response
State your view clearly in one line in the opening or final paragraph to show your position.
task response
Give a fair view of both sides and use clear reasons for each idea. Avoid saying 'you do not deserve' as this can sound harsh.
coherence
Each paragraph should have one main idea and a clear link to the topic. Start and end with the topic.
coherence
Use linking words to show how ideas are connected, such as first, also, then, however, finally.
structure
The plan is clear: you state both sides and your own view.
content
You offer ideas for changes in health care policy, such as schools and free medicine.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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