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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Introduction
Some
people
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 argue that academic success is crucial for
children
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 to secure their
future
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, so
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 other
studies
Use synonyms
 like art, cookery and etc. should be removed from their curriculum. To some extent, I agree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion,
while
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,
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apply
show examples
 humanitarian sciences like art and others are
also
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 beneficial to grow well-rounded
children
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. In detail, these lessons could lead to enhancing their emotional and interpersonal skills
also
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.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, in the modern era, core sciences have a profound effect on
children
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's
future
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 careers.
Because many
Change preposition
Many
show examples
 employers are looking for good engineering skills when determining ideal workers. A recent
research
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study
show examples
held
Verb problem
conducted
show examples
 by Purdue University reveals that 95% of companies' employee preferences depend on their cognitive engineering skills.
In addition
Linking Words
 to that, %97 of annual job searches regarding Google depend on core science abilities. From
this
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 perspective, yes,
people
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 who are defending core sciences are fairly right.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, removing all these
studies
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 like art, sculpture, cooking and etc. could lead to difficulties finding blue-collar workers in these branches. In detail, these
studies
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 or works
also
Linking Words
 reflect the real-world needs.
For example
Linking Words
, in a society, some
people
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 have to make artefacts
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 some of them need to serve as a chef.
Thus
Linking Words
, underestimating these non-academic subjects could lead to detrimental effects on
children
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's
future
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 choices. Because every child doesn’t have the same interest in academic
studies
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, some of them find other topics more desirable. But
,
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apply
show examples
 their syllabus schedule could be arranged
according to
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children
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's preferences.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a balanced approach to selecting or reducing could be more beneficial for
children
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's
future
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 job selections.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, society
also
Linking Words
 needs the other
people
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,
likewise
Linking Words
 chefs, electricians and etc. , who serve as blue-collar workers.
This
Linking Words
 could be more beneficial for society.

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task
State your view clearly at the start. Then give ideas that back it up with simple facts or examples.
structure
Make one main idea in each paragraph. Begin with the main idea, then add a short example.
language
Use simple link words to show cause and effect, like because, so, but, also.
content
Clear attempt to discuss both sides.
structure
Use of 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand' to show balance.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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