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Writing Samples
Band 4

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

Successful
people
Use synonyms
 are generally admired by their environment and
also
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 appreciated by others. It
also
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 conveys new career opportunities which begin with the schooling era. In my view, especially in recent years,
people
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 are under a great burden , especially originating from their families , for academic achievement or passing the exams.
Furthermore
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, they are not assuming any other means of
subjects
Use synonyms
 as success. In my opinion, humans are
also
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 great at expressing or putting their best by other ways
also
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. On one hand, some
people
Use synonyms
 think that academic success is the only way to ace the exams or excel in a particular job, so there is no other way to do it.
In addition
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 to that, their belief is to remove these
subjects
Use synonyms
 from the curriculum.
For example
Linking Words
, some families occasionally overlook their children’s skill in music or art and push them to excel only in positive sciences.
Therefore
Linking Words
, young generations feel a lot of pressure on their own, and it could lead to physical problems for them.
In addition
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 to that, their families
also
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 debate
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
removing these
subjects
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, they are outweighing the humans well, around and sophisticated mental structure and other deep connections.
On the other hand
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;
Punctuation problem
,
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 artists, athletes and
people
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 in the other branches of study are nearly hundreds of millions of
people
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 who are
also
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 very successful in non-academic
subjects
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. It is the net result of the
human
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human,
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 diverse
and
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, and
show examples
 intricate emotional structure.
For example
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, Mozart had no formal background
,
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apply
show examples
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apply
show examples
while
Linking Words
, yet he was a genius in composing classical music. Another example is Rafael; his artefacts are unique. These are very well examples of success.
People
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,
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apply
show examples
 couldn’t be constrained only by school or positive science succession
;
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,
show examples
 because society needs a variety of successful
people
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 in all studies.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first paragraph and keep it through the essay.
task response
Give 2 or 3 strong ideas. For each idea, give a simple example and explain how it shows your view.
grammar
Fix grammar and use short, clear sentences. Punctuate well to avoid long, hard lines.
coherence
Use clear paragraphing: one idea per paragraph, with a topic sentence.
idea
You show that non-academic subjects can help people feel free and show talent.
example
You bring in well known names (Mozart, Rafael) to back your point that talent exists outside school marks.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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