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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012 summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart compares the proportion of intellectual workers in one university,
categorized
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categorised
show examples
 by
genders
Fix the agreement mistake
gender
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 and
majors
Fix the agreement mistake
major
show examples
, during 2012. On the whole, it is apparent that the percentage of male engineering
Use synonyms
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 was the highest,
while
Linking Words
 that for education was the lowest.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, the figure for female
Use synonyms
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 was
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 reverse.
According to
Linking Words
 the chart, around 85% of men
chosed
Correct your spelling
chose
 to work in
engineering
Correct article usage
the engineering
show examples
 faculty, which took the lead. Meanwhile, the bottom position belonged to
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 from
education
Correct article usage
the education
show examples
 faculty, with just over 20%. Contrastingly, it was
this
Linking Words
 major that included most of the female
Use synonyms
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
, with right below 80%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 only
under
Change preposition
than
show examples
 20% of the female workers opting for engineering. In terms of other faculties, interestingly, there
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 about 50% of the
Use synonyms
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
show examples
 in both genders majoring in medicine, being the only faculty that had an equal rate.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the data for business, law and science were the same, being approximately 40% of women and
two third
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two-thirds
show examples
 of that for men. In the meantime, the former
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 female
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
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 was nearly 50%,
while
Linking Words
 that
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 male one was higher than 40%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words staffs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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