IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree?Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

Some
people
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 think that everyone should retire at the same age, but others say some workers should retire earlier. I agree that some
people
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 deserve early retirement because not all
jobs
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 are the same. First of all,
people
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 who do very hard physical
jobs
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 should be allowed to stop working earlier.
For example
Linking Words
, construction workers, miners, and farmers often use their bodies for many years, which can cause health problems when they get older. If they have to
work
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 until 65, they may not be healthy enough to continue. Early retirement can give them time to rest and enjoy life after years of hard
work
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some
jobs
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 are stressful and dangerous.
Such
Linking Words
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
firefighters
Fix capitalization
Firefighters
show examples
, police officers, and nurses often face pressure and risk every day. These
people
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 should
also
Linking Words
 have a chance to retire earlier because stress can affect their mental and physical health. Giving them early pensions is a way to thank them for their service to society.
However
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,
people
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 who
work
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 in offices or do less physical
jobs
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 can
work
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 longer as their
work
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 is not so tiring. They can still use their experience to help others even after the age of 65. In conclusion, I believe that the retirement age should depend on the type of job.
People
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 who do heavy or stressful
work
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 should be able to retire earlier,
while
Linking Words
 others can continue to
work
Use synonyms
 if they are healthy and willing.

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task response
Be clear in the first line that you agree, then restate your view in the end.
content
Add one more good example and explain it to show balance.
grammar
Use 'For example' instead of 'Such as', and check small grammar.
cohesion
Add linking words like also, but, so to show how ideas go from one to another.
style
Keep short, simple sentences and check comma use to make it easy to read.
content
Clear view that some jobs deserve early retirement.
examples
Good examples of hard physical work and risky jobs.
style
Easy to read with simple words and a good order of ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • unfair
  • occupational hazards
  • early retirement
  • physically demanding jobs
  • mental health
  • burnout
  • job-related stress
  • flexible retirement
  • health risks
  • workplace adaptation
  • career satisfaction
  • work-life balance
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