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Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of male and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full- time and part- time education in 2006.

The charts below show the percentage of male and female students of different age groups who studied in Australia for full- time and part- time education in 2006.
The given diagram shows the
men
Use synonyms
's and
women
Use synonyms
's students in Australia percentage of various
age
Use synonyms
 groups in 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 dominated
through
Change preposition
throughout
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 most of the ages, except for
men
Use synonyms
 who
in
Verb problem
were in
show examples
 the
age
Use synonyms
 of 25 to 29 and 30+. Females who preferred part-time education in the
age
Use synonyms
 range of 15-19 made up 17%
;
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 12%.
Linking Words
Then
Punctuation problem
Then,
show examples
 both of them in the
age
Use synonyms
 of 20 to 24 saw a significant increase, where
women
Use synonyms
 accounted for 42%, and
men
Use synonyms
 rose to 40%. But both of them dropped to the same percentage from the
age
Use synonyms
 of 25 to 29.
Men
Use synonyms
 stayed at 8%, whilst
women
Use synonyms
 declined to 6% in the
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
of
Check wording
group of
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 30+.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 aged 15-19 in full-time education are estimated to make up 7%, where
men
Use synonyms
 are slightly higher. But in the
age
Use synonyms
 range of 20-24 ,
women
Use synonyms
 plunged to 13%,
while
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 rose slightly to 12%. In the next group of
age
Use synonyms
,
Check wording
group, men
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men
Use synonyms
 decreased to 6%,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 accounted for 8%. But both of them saw a slight increase in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enrollment in full-time education among those aged 30+.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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