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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart gives information about the life expectancy in Japan, Korea, the USA, and Indonesia, and the table shows the change in life expectancy between 1953 and 2008.

The bar chart gives information about the life expectancy in Japan, Korea, the USA, and Indonesia, and the table shows the change in life expectancy between 1953 and 2008.
While
Linking Words
 the chart illustrates the data about the life
expectancy
Use synonyms
 of people from various
countries
Use synonyms
 in 2008, the table compares these
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
 with those in 1953.
Overall
Linking Words
, the indications in 2008
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 noticeably higher than it was in 1953
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
expectancy
Use synonyms
 is no less than 70 everywhere regarding the chart. In 2008, the highest rate of 82
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
belonged to
japanese
Fix capitalization
Japanese
show examples
 people, followed by
koreans
Fix capitalization
Koreans
show examples
, representing about 79.
While
Linking Words
 the previous figures
including
Punctuation problem
, including
show examples
Fix capitalization
Americans
show examples
americans
Punctuation problem
americans,
show examples
 have the indicator showing at
last
Linking Words
 76, the
expectancy
Use synonyms
 of life in
indonesians
Fix capitalization
Indonesians
show examples
 is 70
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is
lower
Correct word order
apply
show examples
almost
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a decade
.
Correct word order
lower.
show examples
 When it comes to the comparison of the rates of divergent years, the
countries
Use synonyms
 Korea and Indonesia
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
 rise up to 12,5% and 15,7% ,respectively.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the other 2
countries
Use synonyms
 experienced
minor
Correct article usage
a minor
show examples
 increase to 3,5% from Japan and 3% from America. These
went ups
Verb problem
increases
show examples
 balanced the life
expectancy
Use synonyms
 in
given
Correct article usage
the given
show examples
countries
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words expectancy, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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