IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people think that shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has scientifically been proven to have bad effects on people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

In
this
Linking Words
 fast-developing era, manufacturers produce a wide variety of products to meet the demand of customers.
However
Linking Words
, not all goods are beneficial for
Use synonyms
individuals
Check wording
individuals'
show examples
 health, and some people, including me, consider that harmful commodities ought to be banned
to
Change preposition
from
show examples
sell
Replace the word
sale
show examples
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 of the citizens plays a crucial role
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it is the government's responsibility to provide
heathy
Use the right word
healthy
show examples
food
Use synonyms
. That not all
individuals
Use synonyms
 have adequate knowledge
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 useful produce is a fact. They can be easily deceived by the producers whose intention is just to earn a great deal of money. Being unaware of the repercussions, naive people might be poisoned
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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even
Verb problem
can even
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last
Linking Words
 in the long run.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
China
Add a comma
China,
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 numerous school children
were
Verb problem
apply
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experienced
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 poisoning
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 after consuming
energetic
Correct article usage
an energetic
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 drink . If they had known about the ramifications, they would not have
intaken
Verb problem
taken
show examples
 it.
Secondly
Linking Words
, consumption of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 can impact the
life
Use synonyms
 expectancy of
individuals
Use synonyms
. People who
intake
Verb problem
consume
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 junk
food
Use synonyms
 will eventually undergo
heath related
Use the right word
health-related
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 issues, affecting their
life
Use synonyms
 span.
This
Linking Words
 leads to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 decline in population growth, endangering the disappearance of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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nation
Check wording
nation's
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gradually
Replace the word
gradual
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.
Check wording
disappearance.
show examples
Besides
Linking Words
,
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 body ensures innovation, creativity and development. If the citizens are strong and have fulfilling
Use synonyms
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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,
this
Linking Words
 country will develop
further
Linking Words
. In conclusion, the sale of the detrimental
food
Use synonyms
 should be prohibited, as they
Correct word order
negatively infuence
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infuence
Correct your spelling
influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the well-being of the
individuals
Use synonyms
negatively
Correct word order
apply
show examples
, decrease
life
Use synonyms
 span and can be a
hinder
Replace the word
hindrance
show examples
 to the development of the state.

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task response
Make your view clear in the opening, then add 2-3 strong reasons with simple links between them.
structure
In each paragraph, use one clear topic sentence and use linking words to connect ideas to the main view.
content
Give real, simple examples to back up your point. One example about China is not enough and is not well described.
language
Check spell and grammar. Fix words like 'heathy' to 'healthy', 'energetic drink' to 'energy drink', and 'intaken' to 'taken' or 'intake'.
content
The writer states a clear view and follows it through the essay.
structure
The essay uses basic linking words such as 'Firstly' and 'Secondly'.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public health
  • scientifically proven
  • personal freedom
  • individual choices
  • healthcare costs
  • economic impact
  • consumer empowerment
  • outright bans
  • education campaigns
  • scientific research
  • regulated industry
  • nutritional information
  • infringe
  • awareness
What to do next:
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