IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Bar Graph The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

Bar Graph The bar chart shows the percentage of school children learning to play different musical instruments in 2005, 2010, 2015. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
This
Linking Words
 bar chart compares the percentage of students who could play musical instruments, which include the piano, guitar,
violin
Use synonyms
, and drums
between
Punctuation problem
, between
show examples
 2005 and 2015.
Overall
Linking Words
, the number of learners who played the piano and guitar showed a dramatic jump compared with that of
drums
Fix the agreement mistake
drum
show examples
 players, which slightly increased throughout the given period.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
violin
Use synonyms
 players gradually declined over the period. First of all, around 10% of schoolchildren learned to play the piano and guitar
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
in
Punctuation problem
, in
show examples
 2005. After that time, the proportion of them rose to around 20% over the next five years.
Finally
Linking Words
, there was a significant rise to 40 per cent among them in 2015.
Next,
Linking Words
a group who learned to play drums remained unchanged at around 5% between 2005 and 2010.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 figure grew to less than 10 per cent in 2015.
Lastly
Linking Words
, the proportion of
violin
Use synonyms
 learners was under 10% in 2005, but it slightly went down by 2010.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
violin
Use synonyms
 was the least popular musical instrument among them in 2015, reaching below 5 per cent.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words violin with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "compares" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: