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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart shows the percentage of men, women and children who ate five portion of fruit and vegetables per day between 2001 and 2008

The bar chart shows the percentage of men, women and children who ate five portion of fruit and vegetables per day between 2001 and 2008
The data demonstrates the
porportion
Correct your spelling
proportion
 of
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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,
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and children who
intake
Verb problem
consume
show examples
 per day five portions of fruit and vegetables in the years from 2001 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, women eat the most produce during all the years presented
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 minors eat the least
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 intake grows for all presented groups. During the years of 2001 to
2003
Punctuation problem
2003,
show examples
 for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
children
Add a comma
children,
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
 stayed the same, for minors being 12% and men 17%,
while
Linking Words
 for
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
female
Punctuation problem
female,
show examples
 the
percentage
Use synonyms
grows
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 from 22% to 27%. From 2004 to
2006
Punctuation problem
2006,
show examples
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 their
peak
Use synonyms
Punctuation problem
, for
show examples
for
Change preposition
with
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woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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being
Verb problem
reaching
show examples
 35% and
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
men
being
Verb problem
reaching
show examples
 27% but for
children
Punctuation problem
children,
show examples
 they
reach
Wrong verb form
reached
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the
Correct pronoun usage
their
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peak
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2007
standing
Punctuation problem
, standing
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 at 26%.
In addition
Linking Words
, female after the
peak
Use synonyms
 in
year
Check wording
apply
show examples
2006 started to decrease their
percentage
Use synonyms
, in 2008 having 30% but still remaining with
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 compared to the two other categories. Men
after
Punctuation problem
, after
show examples
 2007, where they hovered at the same
percentage
Use synonyms
 as 2006, started to level off
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 26% in 2008. Kids after their
peak
Use synonyms
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 2007
also
Linking Words
 started to decrease in the
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 remaining at 26%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, peak with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reach" was used 2 times.
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