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Band 5.5

The bar chart below gives information about thenumber of studnets studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012

The bar chart below gives information about thenumber of studnets studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012
The bar chart provides key information about the figures of
Computer
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Science's
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Science
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students
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 studying
at
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in
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012. The units are measured in per cent.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the graph that
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women
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apply
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British
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home
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students
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 were the highest
studuing
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studying
Computer
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Science
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 among others.
In addition
Linking Words
, both men and
women
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British
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home
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students
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 generally are higher in studying
computer
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science
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 compared
international
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to international
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students
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 both
sex
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sexes
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 international
students
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 showed lower rates during most
of
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apply
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years.
According to
Linking Words
 what is
shown
Punctuation problem
shown,
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 men
British
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home
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students
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 were more than half of
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women
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the female
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 International
students
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 in studying
Computer
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Science
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 ( reached
approximatly
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approximately
 40% and 20%
respectivily
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respectively
),
while
Linking Words
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women
Fix capitalization
Women
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 international
home
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students
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 were more than half of
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women
Correct article usage
the women
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 International
students
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 in
studying
Verb problem
apply
show examples
Computer
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Science
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 (
reached
Wrong verb form
reaching
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 around 30% and 15%
respectivily
Correct your spelling
respectively
)in 2010. In
term
Fix the agreement mistake
terms
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 of men
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British
Punctuation problem
, British
show examples
home
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students
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 and International
students
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 were
approximatly
Correct your spelling
approximately
equvalent
Correct your spelling
equal
 in 2011,
while
Linking Words
women
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British
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home
Use synonyms
students
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 were
more
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
higher than International
students
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 in 2011.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words computer, science, students, women, british, home with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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