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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.
The bar charts
elaborates
Correct subject-verb agreement
elaborate
show examples
, the presence of
obesity
Use synonyms
 among the male and female genders , between
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
of 12 to 19
by
Punctuation problem
, by
show examples
 3
ethnicity
Replace the word
ethnic
show examples
 groups, in the United States
during
Punctuation problem
, during
show examples
 the period 2004 and 2014, which is expressed in percentage.
Linking Words
overall
Fix capitalization
Overall
show examples
, from the
table
Punctuation problem
table,
show examples
 Non-Hispanic Black had gained the highest weight amongst
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 two female
ethnicity
Replace the word
ethnic
show examples
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, on
Punctuation problem
. On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
,
Hispanci
Correct your spelling
Hispanic
 males
was
Verb problem
apply
show examples
showed the maximum
overwight compaired
Correct your spelling
overweight compared
 to other male
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
. To commence,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
Non-Hispenic
Correct your spelling
Non-Hispanic
While
Linking Words
, the percentage of overweight
amoung
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 was 12% in 2005, which after a decade rose to 5%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, with
Non Hispanic
Use the right word
Non-Hispanic
show examples
Black
Punctuation problem
Black,
show examples
 the boys were 11%, which increased to 20% by 2014.
However
Linking Words
,
Hispanci
Correct your spelling
Hispanic
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 showed a vast difference in 10
years
Use synonyms
,
eailer
Correct your spelling
earlier
 it was 13%, which
inclined
Verb problem
increased
show examples
 to more than double in the later
years
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rate was the highest trended with
Non-Hispenic
Correct your spelling
Non-Hispanic
Black girls.
it
Fix capitalization
It
show examples
 was 16% in 2004,
Linking Words
this was
Verb problem
and it
show examples
 climbed to 26% during 2014. Following
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
,
Hispanci
Correct your spelling
Hispanic
 females had 12% of
obesity
Use synonyms
 in 2004, after 10
years
Use synonyms
 it
incresed
Correct your spelling
increased
 by 3%.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
,
Non-Hispanci
Correct your spelling
Non-Hispanic
 White girls had
obesity
Use synonyms
lesser
Correct word choice
rates lower
show examples
 than others, 9% and 14% respectively , during both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
years
Use synonyms
.

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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words obesity, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "showed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • ethnic groups
  • trend
  • gender differences
  • public health
  • interventions
  • demographic
  • disparities
  • insight
  • analysis
  • comparison
  • proportion
  • fluctuation
  • longitudinal study
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