IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.

In the modern era,
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 has become one of the most concerning
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 for many
children
Use synonyms
. Specifically, in western societies,
since
Change preposition
apply
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
 has increased
approximately
Change preposition
by approximately
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
20 per cent over a
ten year
Use the right word
ten-year
show examples
 period.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the causes and
effects
Use synonyms
 of
this
Linking Words
 unwanted rise before reaching a conclusion. First and foremost,
The
Fix capitalization
the
show examples
 daily habits of individuals
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
envolved
Correct your spelling
evolved
 a lot because of the advanced technology. The rise of these innovations is a major cause for the
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
 in overweight
children
Use synonyms
. More
children
Use synonyms
 prefer playing computer games or watching television over going out and doing some kinds of physical
activity's
Check wording
activities
show examples
. Insufficient exercise is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
esssential
Correct your spelling
essential
 cause
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
obesity
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 the studies from
World
Correct article usage
the World
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Health
Use synonyms
Organization
Change the spelling
Organisation
show examples
,
children
Use synonyms
 who spend more
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 3 hours in front of screens
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 a higher probability
to become
Change preposition
of becoming
show examples
 obese. There are some unwanted
effects
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
overweight
Correct article usage
the overweight
show examples
 of
children
Use synonyms
.
Obesity
Use synonyms
 has two essential
effects
Use synonyms
 on
Correct article usage
an individuals
show examples
individuals
Check wording
individual's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 means
health
Use synonyms
 issues can be divided
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 two,
such
Linking Words
 as physical
effects
Use synonyms
 and
physiological
Use the right word
psychological
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effects
Use synonyms
 on
children
Use synonyms
. Physically, obese
children
Use synonyms
 are at a higher risk of developing serious
health
Use synonyms
 issues,
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, high blood pressure, and heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
 at a young age. Physiologically,
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
show examples
 can create a serious self-confidence crisis
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 appearance
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 immense place in schools because of the beauty standards from other generations. The quintessential effect is eating disorders
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
are triggered by bullies.
To sum up
Linking Words
, the main cause of overweight is today's
technology
Replace the word
technological
show examples
 developments,
thus
Linking Words
 there are certain
health
Use synonyms
 risks associated with
obesity
Use synonyms
. Even though there are some valid arguments about
sharply
Correct article usage
the sharply
show examples
 increasing overweight problem,
this
Linking Words
 problem can be solved by social awareness studies and simple
helps
Fix the agreement mistake
help
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 dieticians.

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planning
Plan your answer. Say two clear causes and two effects. Then give a short conclusion.
structure
Use one idea per line in a new paragraph. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence.
cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like First, Also, Then, Because, So.
grammar
Keep sentences short. Check spelling and grammar.
lexis
Use only simple words from the top 100. Do not use hard words.
direction
The essay shows a real aim to discuss causes and effects.
evidence
Some examples are given, like the World Health Organization study.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
What to do next:
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