IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20 % in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects

In the present
time
Add a comma
time,
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 the major
problem
Use synonyms
 faced by the parents
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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obesity
Use synonyms
 among the
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
. The
avarage
Correct your spelling
average
 amount of overweight among the young
generation
Use synonyms
 in Western Society has
growing
Wrong verb form
grown
show examples
 by almost 20% in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
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 decade, the root causes are the fast food and sedentary
life style
Use the right word
lifestyle
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay sheds light on the main causes and effects of
obesity
Use synonyms
 among
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers. To commence, earlier the students had enough space and time for playing, doing physical activities, but now, the new trend of
unrbanization
Correct your spelling
urbanisation
having
Wrong verb form
has
show examples
 limited space for the young ones to play or do the physical activities, which is
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
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 reason for
obesity
Use synonyms
 among the young
generation
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, parents are providing with
jung
Correct your spelling
junk
 food, which
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 rich in salt, sugar and calories, leading to gaining more weight.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the children
are
Verb problem
apply
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in
western
Fix capitalization
Western
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 society are prone
for
Change preposition
to
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obesity
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, over weight is a leading cause for various serious
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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,
likewise
Linking Words
, diabetes, hypertension, fatty liver,
ectetera
Correct your spelling
etc
.
Secondly
Linking Words
 ,
this
Linking Words
 overweight
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
 various
Use synonyms
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
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 among the present
generation
Use synonyms
,
that
Linking Words
is
Use the right word
as
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 social isolation, mental insecurity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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decrease
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
self esteem
Use the right word
self-esteem
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, the media reports, the number of
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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seeing
Use the right word
seeking
show examples
physological councelling
Correct your spelling
psychological counselling
 is increasing. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 the western society learners are facing the problems related to
obesity
Use synonyms
, mainly
due to
Linking Words
 sedentary life style and use of gadgets, these leading to various health issue,
this
Linking Words
 can only be tacklet by collaborative effort by educational institutions, parents and government, by making awareness of erradicating fast food from the house ,
as well as
Linking Words
, engaging the pupils for more sports and physical activities. These methods not only
aids
Correct subject-verb agreement
aid
show examples
 in alleviating the
obesity
Use synonyms
problem
Use synonyms
, but
also
Linking Words
 support for development of
robust
Correct article usage
a robust
show examples
 young
generation
Use synonyms
.

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task response
The essay talks about what causes obesity and its effect, and it ends with a plan. It needs more depth and proof. Add one or two strong examples and clear steps.
task response
Make the argument easy to read by having one clear idea in each paragraph and stay to the point.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have a clear topic sentence. Use shorter sentences and easier words at first. Add simple links like first, also, but, so to link ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Watch word form and spelling so your ideas flow. Use correct tense and check common errors like 'overweight' 'obesity' and 'eradicating' so the meaning is clear.
strength
The topic is clear and it shows you know the issue.
strength
You use some link words and a plan for later action.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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