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Writing Samples
Band 5

The charts below show that percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much. Summarie the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show that percentage of their daily intake of various nutrients the average person in the USA consumes in each meal and in snacks. These nutrients may be unhealthy if eaten too much. Summarie the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie charts provide key information about the figures of consumption habits in
American
Correct article usage
the American
show examples
 community of different aliments. The units are measured in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is clear from the charts that there are four categories of food
;
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 breakfast, lunch, dinner and
finally
Linking Words
 snack.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 the diagram
has shown
Wrong verb form
shows
show examples
 the amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 added by
people
Use synonyms
 at various times. In terms of Breakfast, the sodium and saturated fat groups have similar amounts of food intake during their early morning, by 145 and 16%, respectively. With a little
sugar
Use synonyms
 intake in drinks.
While
Linking Words
 in lunch meal the proportions are slightly
increase
Replace the word
increased
show examples
, which made up of 29%, in
people
Use synonyms
 who depend on salt, and 19% of fatty individuals.
In addition
Linking Words
, both groups maintain a minimum level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in their drinks by 19%.
According to
Linking Words
 what is shown, snacks
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 gained minimal popularity in the US,
Linking Words
that is
Verb problem
which
show examples
 means the majority of
people
Use synonyms
disfavor
Change the spelling
disfavour
show examples
this
Linking Words
 lifestyle, because it
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
consists of a huge proportion of
sugar
Use synonyms
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 46%.
Finally
Linking Words
, the dinner is the predominated meal, which
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
means the majority of
people
Use synonyms
 there are heavily dependent on it.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sugar, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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