IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of overwieght children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 the number of overweight
less
Punctuation problem
, less
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 aged
people
Use synonyms
 is constantly
surge
Wrong verb form
surging
show examples
 in
western
Fix capitalization
Western
show examples
 society.In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss the main reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 epidemic and describe the possible effects of
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
. From my
viewpoint
Add a comma
viewpoint,
show examples
 the foremost reasons of overweight are making poor diet and
Correct article usage
an unhealthly
show examples
unhealthly
Correct your spelling
unhealthy
 lifestyle.
Nowaday
Use the right word
Nowadays
show examples
the
Punctuation problem
, the
show examples
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of children have
attraction
Correct article usage
an attraction
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
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 modern communication systems
instead
Linking Words
 of
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 outside with
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 peers.In
final
Correct article usage
the final
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 stage less
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 aged
people
Use synonyms
 are gaining fat and hardly to decrease
calori
Correct your spelling
calorie
 level.
Linking Words
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
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 the
problem
Use synonyms
 highlighted by the quantity of
people
Use synonyms
 who eat large portions of
high fat
Use the right word
high-fat
show examples
leveled
Verb problem
apply
show examples
foods.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 less aged
people
Use synonyms
 who
eats
Correct subject-verb agreement
eat
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most orders high caloried
Replace the word
mostly high-calorie
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 foods by phone to
Mcdonalds
Fix the agreement mistake
McDonald's
show examples
 or KFC.It can make
Use synonyms
people
Punctuation problem
people,
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includes
Replace the word
including
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old
Correct word choice
older
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aged
Check wording
adults
show examples
humans
Punctuation problem
humans,
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gains
Correct subject-verb agreement
gain
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 so much sugar and
triggers
Check wording
lead
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 to diabetes. Eating so much from KFC
Correct word choice
or orMcDonalds
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orMcDonalds
Correct your spelling
McDonald's
reduce
Correct subject-verb agreement
reduces
show examples
 good mental
health
Use synonyms
.And
hard to focus
Use the right word
a hard-to-focus
show examples
 Education system. The possible effects of
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
includes
Correct subject-verb agreement
include
show examples
 a large increase in
Use synonyms
health related
Use the right word
health-related
show examples
 diseases and bullying. First of all overweight results in
incorrect
Correct article usage
an incorrect
show examples
health
Use synonyms
 life of the human body and
triggers
Verb problem
leads
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 to
develops
Replace the word
the development of
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 chronic illnesses .
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 as body fat increases
Punctuation problem
, humans
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humans
Check wording
humans'
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 digestive,
health
Use synonyms
 and
mentality
Replace the word
mental
show examples
 system
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
get worse.
Linking Words
Secondly
Punctuation problem
Secondly,
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 more fat
gainers
Punctuation problem
gainers,
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 especially
childs
Correct your spelling
children
 are suffer from bullying from others.
This
Linking Words
 result may
affects
Wrong verb form
affect
show examples
 a
chil
Correct your spelling
child
 or
older
Correct article usage
an older
show examples
 human being stressed and hair loss.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
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 scientists make an experiment from
this
Linking Words
 situation to a fat man.After several
months
Punctuation problem
months,
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 the results
depicts
Correct subject-verb agreement
depict
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about
Change preposition
that
show examples
this
Linking Words
 man gets lonely and
take
Correct subject-verb agreement
takes
show examples
 all the anti depression tabs.
To sum up
Linking Words
 overweight
Is
Fix capitalization
is
show examples
 a
modern day
Use the right word
modern-day
show examples
 main
problem
Use synonyms
 that affects a lot of
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays.
Its
Use the right word
It's
show examples
 mainly caused by
inactive
Correct article usage
an inactive
show examples
 lifestyle and results in harsh
health
Use synonyms
 problems.

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planning
Plan your essay. Start with a short view of the problem, then give 2 or 3 causes, then 2 or 3 effects, and end with a short finish.
language
Check grammar and spell more. Use full sentences and the right verb form.
vocabulary
Use simple words. Fix hard or wrong words like 'less aged' or 'calori'.
content
Give clear examples that fit the idea. Do not rely on one or two old examples.
coherence
Put ideas in a good link. Use words like 'because', 'also', 'as a result'.
content
The essay tries to talk about both causes and effects.
structure
There is a wrap up at the end.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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